Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 6, 2019
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Get married and have kids so instead of going to happy hour, eating nachos, and hooking up, you can go home and wrestle children into pajamas after you angrily shove their uneaten fish sticks into your mouth.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 5, 2019
My 7 year old, 43 pound son asked if he can shave his head so he can look like The Rock.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) January 6, 2019
*Spoiler Alert*
He’s actually going to look like Voldemort
Wife: Honey why do you always wear that one old tee shirt around the house? The neck is all stretched out.
— Dave Learns Dadding (@DaveLearnsToDad) January 7, 2019
10 month old: *grabs my tee shirt neck, hauls herself up, starts slapping my face and giggling*
Wife: …yes yes I see
It’s funny how you can tell a kid you’ll give them a small piece of chocolate in one year, three months, and 10 days and they’ll be ready at 5am the day of to collect but “did you wash your hands?” is still something that has to be asked 15x every day forever.
— Bunmi Laditan (@HonestToddler) January 10, 2019
4-year-old: Why do we have to wear shoes?
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) January 7, 2019
Me: They protect your feet.
4: No, they trap your feet. *whispers* They’re feet traps.
I exchanged minivan advice with another man.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 8, 2019
Don't mess with me today.
I've reached peak dad.
7y.o: “Mom, want to play Life with us?”
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) January 8, 2019
9: “Duh, she has to do REAL life every day! And her car is full of kids already.”
When I was a kid, the only password you had to remember was the one that got you into the treehouse.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) January 10, 2019
Me: Who’s been using my expensive hair conditioner?!?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 8, 2019
10yo: Not me.
8yo: Not me.
6yo: *frantically lowering Barbie’s hand*
I’m failing 5th grade math, again.
— m🐝mma unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) January 7, 2019
Parenting is like being the unpaid cruise director on the S.S. Ungrateful.
— Fowl Language Comics (@fowlcomics) January 5, 2019
My son came barreling down the steps behind his sister shouting "No! Don't tell mommy!!" and honestly I'm just hoping neither one of them actually tells me.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) January 8, 2019
[Returning a mattress]
— The Dad (@thedad) January 11, 2019
ME: Yes, I was told this was king size, but my child is 3 feet tall and somehow takes up all of it.
Hmm, I hate parents. What shall I invent? pic.twitter.com/Yg5SsM4Krm
— Molly Erdman (@erdmanmolly) January 8, 2019
When they sleep, they‘re just 4 beautiful children and not the battalion of spawn rats we deal with when they’re awake.
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) January 11, 2019
Hell hath no fury like a kid when you tell them you’ve already seen something they WANTED TO SHOW YOU.
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) January 9, 2019
Apparently my toddler doesn’t think he needs to ask if he can sit in my lap. But why should he? I’m only using the bathroom.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 10, 2019
I’m letting my kids enjoy their last day of winter break by shouting every hour “SCHOOL STARTS TOMORROW!”
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 6, 2019
Most things I scold my preschooler for saying are also things I secretly want to fist bump her for saying.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 6, 2019
Me (out loud) to my kids: "Hey sweeties, we're going to review the chores I expect you both to start doing more consistently around the house."
— Cheryl Strayed (@CherylStrayed) January 9, 2019
Me (silently) to myself: "Listen up, you lazy-ass motherfuckers."
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 9, 2019
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke...poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
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