This article exists as part of the online archive for HuffPost Australia, which closed in 2021.

How To Have Sex In Your Childhood Bedroom Over The Holidays

'Tis the season to get busy.
Couple holding hands in a bedroom
AleksandarNakic via Getty Images
Couple holding hands in a bedroom

There are two kinds of people: those who would never dream of doing anything remotely sexual in their family home and those who are horny (and brave!) enough to give it a whirl.

If you place yourself in the second category, below are some basic pointers to help you get busy this holiday season both discreetly and pleasurably.

1. Whatever you do, don’t forget to lock the door. Unless you want your little nephew barging in, asking why Auntie is “playing horsey” with her friend Doug.

2. Try to squeeze it in during the day while most of the family is downstairs cooking/day-drinking/watching football/hanging out. They’ll be none the wiser.

3. But if an afternoon delight isn’t your style, do the deed earlier in the evening before you’ve lowered your inhibitions with an entire bottle of wine. Remember, you must not be brazen in your endeavors.

4. Or use the inevitably tense conversation about politics as an opportunity to politely excuse yourself from the table and sneak upstairs.

5. Once you’re in the bedroom, turn down any family photos on your nightstand so that you don’t feel Granny’s penetrating gaze while you’re, er, doing some penetration yourself.