"'I emailed the teacher but haven't heard back' is the new 'my dog ate my homework.'"
"My favourite thing to do is to hold my dog while I look on my phone at photos I have taken of my dog."
"It took four months of having a puppy, but I can now confidently report I've found a dog treat in every single pocket I own."
"The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops."
"My dad say that the LOTR trilogy is a Christmas movie 'because it has elves.'"
"Drove our kids around town to look at Christmas lights but they brought an iPad so they could watch a different kid drive around his town looking at lights."
"My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband."
"My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom."
It's all treehouses and toilet humour.
I'm guilty of gross mislexiconduct.
You forget it takes practically zero time to get sunburnt.
Let them eat cake, because in my world it's healthy.
And if things turn sour, there's always tequila and salt.
It's not a cross between 'home invasion', 'marshmallow' and 'weaning kids off sugar throughout November'.
From politician to poet, and we didn't even know it.
Getting nude every day is one way to fasttrack a relationship.
Muzza knows best.
It will recognise tears, and call your mother.
Science says so.
Give. Me. The. Food.