Webs of deception, endless gossip and drama out the wazoo: The classic signs of a toxic friendship may make for excellent TV, but they’re not as fun to watch unfold in real life. That’s especially the case for parents whose kids and teens are entangled in bad friendships.
In some situations, a helping hand from parents can save them from a more severe situation and long-term psychological pain.
Here’s what parents should know about toxic friendships and when it’s time to intervene:
Isolation is a red flag
Feeling pressured, distrustful and afraid of a friend are signs kids should watch out for, Kids Help Phone suggests. But for parents, it might be hard to discern how your kid really feels about a playmate — especially if the friend in question has acted kindly when encountered.
Sudden changes in behaviour should be watched out for. Psychotherapist Mary Jo Rapini told Psychology Today that kids who become “obsessed” with pleasing their friend may be wrapped up in an unequal power dynamic.
Ottawa therapist Danielle Rice told HuffPost Canada that if a kid starts to distance themselves from others, they may be cutting everyone out as a roundabout way to stop seeing one friend in particular.
Knowing when to step in and when to retreat
“Is this a one-off experience where the friend maybe isn’t acting so nicely or is this becoming a pattern?” is a question Rice encourages parents to consider. “It can be really empowering for a child to navigate their own difficulties.”
Depending on how old your child is, dealing with the signs of a frenemy isn’t as life-shattering as it may seem. Learning how to talk out disagreements or realizing when it’s time to cut ties are essential parts of growing up.
Watch: Self-care can help save your friendship. Story continues below.
Rice empathizes with parents who may want to nip a bad bond in the bud. The toll of negative friendships can be costly; a kid’s confidence and self-esteem can take a hit, she says. Rice notes that these feelings can worsen over time and lead to depression, anxiety and high stress.
“Depending on how long that friendship lasts, that could possibly impact whether they develop long-term psychological influences,” she said.
If parents still want to intervene, she encourages taking an indirect approach over a straightforward one at first. Confronting the other kid’s parent or contacting the principal at the first sign of a minor transgression could unnecessarily escalate the situation.
Dealing with frenemies at different ages
Preschoolers: Rice notes that younger kids with little life experience might not even be aware that they don’t enjoy being with someone.
“[A kid might say] ‘Oh, I feel sad after hanging with this friend,’ but have trouble linking it together,” Rice said.
While a little playful physical aggression isn’t uncommon, she notes that getting hit a lot could be an indicator that a kid is getting jerked around.
For the most part, encouraging both parties to use their words can nip problems in the bud. Parenting resource site Calgary’s Child suggests asking kids, “Are you being a friend?”
Kids in elementary school: Devastating rumours probably aren’t swirling around a three-year-old, but they just might be wreaking havoc on the social life of a preteen.
Serious bullying can start from the ages of five and up, Rice said, which can include social exclusion, gossip and violence. Kids may be ignored at recess, get made fun of for how they look or have their supposed flaws pointed out incessantly. This can be confusing for kids, especially when the source of these woes is someone who presents as a friendly face.
If a frenemy’s influence is interfering with a kid’s ability to function or if they start avoiding school altogether, a parent can put their foot down.
Rice recommends gently steering kids to other areas of their life to focus on.
″‘Let’s go see this friend, let’s try this new sport or visit this new place,’” she suggests as suitable distractions. Over time, kids should return to normal.
If your kid seems hung up on their friend for extended periods of time, it might be worth approaching the parents of the toxic friend or addressing your child’s mental health with a professional.
High schoolers: For the most part, teenagers are able to figure out when a friendship is problematic. Drawing on their childhood experiences, they’re able to navigate social situations solo. However, there are some experiences they may not be well-versed in: Online taunting can hit teenagers hard, as they can get victimized anonymously by their so-called friends or within group conversations.
“Unfortunately, something embarrassing can be shared on social media [to hurt them],” Rice said.
They’re also at an age where peer pressure might make them turn to alcohol and other substances.
With teens it might be worth having a heart-to-heart about what they’re going through. It’s harder for parents to make decisions for their older children and forbidding a teenager from doing something or seeing someone may have the reverse effect, as teens may break rules to challenge authority. Instead, active listening can be more effective than banning any contact with the bad influence, Calgary’s Child says.
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