Despite my deep longing to be a mother, I am somehow feeling more resigned now as we wait to hear the verdict of our fourth cycle. I feel much less desperate, much less crazed about it working. Because chances are it didn't, no matter how hard I wish it did. My hope feels irrelevant and in relinquishing it I feel more prepared this time. I am steeling myself off, encasing my heart, bracing myself for bad news.
The hormones are making me, well, hormonal. I'm crampy. My ass hurts. I have a headache that no amount of Tylenol will touch and just generally feel like I have a really bad flu.. am completely beside myself with emotion.... I feel like time is just ticking away here, as I lie on the bathroom floor in a nauseous, weeping heap worrying how the baby I'm not pregnant with is going to affect the writing career I don't have.
Infertility is more common than you think, but that doesn’t stop women from feeling ashamed if it happens to them. In Canada