"I'm moving in with my girlfriend in three weeks. Hoping to finish all my life's farting before then."
"One of life's greatest mysteries is why Shaggy ate Scooby snacks too."
"My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need."
"Forever 21 sounds more like a witch’s curse than a clothing store."
"No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom."
"25% of marriage is asking your spouse to bring you a new roll of toilet paper."
"I live in constant fear of the return of low rise denim."
"The older I get the more I want to know exactly how Katherine Heigl's character could afford to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings."
"No one’s going to look at the Mueller Report until someone turns it into a musical."
"All of my mic drops are accidental."
"My three-year-old son just asked me, 'Can you take me to the Vampire State Building?'"
"It's not fair to say my wife holds a grudge. She has every right to be angry about that cabinet I left open six years ago."
"Rest In Peace all the healthy food that expires in my fridge every week."
"There's a Backstreet Boy with a son old enough to also be a Backstreet Boy so I guess it's time I start using an eye serum."
"If you like Walking Dead, you’re going to love the Publix near my house right now."