Funny Tweets

"People should get paid time off whenever their cat decides it's time to sit on their belly"
"Took my kid to “Bring Your Child To Work Day” a few weeks ago and now, any time I ask her how she’s doing, she says 'Living the dream.'"
"'I'm in the trenches' *opens laptop in air conditioned cafe*"
"Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow."
"I think my dog is just using me for my walks"
"Adopting a cat with a weird little meow is like winning the lottery"
"Sometimes, I’ll say something to my dog then he will blankly stare past me and I just know he’s seeing how I die."
"I’ve never known a Taurus placement that couldn’t cook or had bad restaurant recommendations. Baby, they have taste and it transcends all over."
"Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like, 'Heyyy' and 'Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet.'"
"does anyone else have a pet that nags them to go to sleep? like, do you have work tomorrow or something lil bro??"