"People who say 'enjoy every moment' have never sat next to my kids eating chips."
"It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child."
Love 'em or hate 'em, people have thoughts about the popular fruit.
"Writers be like 'this character will be...a writer.'"
"It’s important to get out of the house occasionally to remind yourself why you don’t go out."
"In our marriage we keep the magic alive by plucking each other’s rogue ear and chin hairs."
"My son calls Toys R Us 'Toys Or Else.'"
"Live ~ Laugh ~ Lock yourself in the bathroom and enjoy some alone time today. You deserve it."
"Shoutout to everybody who already burped into their own face via mask."
"I’m at the watching Christmas movies stage of quarantine."