"Sorry we're late, my husband had to drive around the parking lot 5 times till he found a spot he liked."
"[Me arriving late to things] sorry supply chain problems."
"Half the parenting vocabulary is the word 'wow'"
"I don't subscribe to many magazines, but if they came out with 'Good Enough Housekeeping,' that's one I would read."
"I’m sorry for what I said when my husband put all my bras in the dryer."
"Running a bath and my dog is looking nervous. So I showed her my glass of wine to reassure her the bath is not for her."
"Working from home today and I can hear my husband chewing gum from his office from 1400 feet away."
"Garfield should be voice acted by an actual cat and then there can be subtitles."
"I cannot be held responsible for the things I say in the carpool drop off."
'When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries'
“F**k a breakup you ever chased your dog and they think it’s a game?!?! 😭😭😭😭"
"Why is walking to the bathroom in a restaurant so embarrassing"
"Oh I get it, you think you’re better than me cuz your kid has both shoes on."
"Live with a beginner violin student so your house constantly sounds like a horror film."
"My cat must think I’m so dumb considering how often I sing to him about the fact that he is a cat."
"What wine pairs well with Common Core math?"
"In England 'booster shot' is spelled 'borchestershire shot'"
"Playing board games with your kids and deliberately trying to lose so it ends quicker is a parenting art form"
"Never trust anyone who doesn’t think their dog is the best dog."
"married sext: my headache is going away"