Funny Tweets

“My favorite breed of cat is ‘been through some s**t.’”
"Marriage is sexting your husband all day about the wild sex you’re gonna have and then having quiet sex in your Snuggie so the kids won’t wake up."
"boyfriend is out hunting (picking up food order) while I am domesticating wild beasts (giving cat little kisses)"
"this is my emotional manipulation dog. he gaslights and undermines me at every opportunity"
"My toddler is pretending to cook a meal and it involves a lot of screaming and throwing food in a pot. She gets it."
"My toxic trait is thinking wild animals would sense my kind spirit and leave me alone."
Ticketmaster better sleep with one eye open, according to these Swifties.
"My husband asked me to stop being passive aggressive to my mother-in-law, but without that we’d have no relationship."
"My kid just learned 'uh oh spaghettios' but he keeps forgetting and is yelling 'oh no noodles' instead"
“I’ll be like ‘yeah this is my emotional support animal’ and it’s just a cat who actively works to make my life more difficult”