"Excuse me while I overthink this and get back to you."
"i love when my cat purrs for no reason. she’s just happy to be here."
"Dining out with kids is a great way to practice talking in angry whispers"
"Wives only want one thing and it’s for you to open your eyes man because your keys are literally right there in front of your face."
"My kids’ superpower is using 24 different cups in a day to drink 3 cups of water."
"A juul is just an adult binky."
"If I don’t tell my cat he is handsome every time I see him then he might forget"
"On one hand I want to live in the middle of nowhere, but on the other hand I need to buy a $7 iced oat milk latte every morning."
"Welcome to parenting. You have now become Kid’s Name’s Mom in everyone’s phone."
"Some kids collect Pokémon cards. My kid collects lint. Dryer lint. On the bright side, it's very affordable."