"Trying to teach the baby to point and go 'j’accuse.'"
"Sorry there are 26 kids in your daughter’s class and Valentines come in boxes of 24."
"Can I please just sit on the edge of a crescent moon like once in my life."
The "Late Late Show" host said he can understand a lot of sexual proclivities — but not this one.
"I'm pretty pissed off my husband didn't respond to the text I forgot to send."
"Cat ownership is hearing a single soft *clink* from across the house and yelling GET AWAY FROM THE BUTTER."
"Thoughts and prayers. My child who jokes nonstop about the planet Uranus has recently learned about the country of Djibouti."
"My wife keeps the romance alive by leaving me to deactivate most of her many daily phone alarms, she's so playful this chick."
President Donald Trump won’t stop joking about staying in office for a third term, going so far as printing up Trump 2024 campaign signs.