"I can’t wait to refuse my first hug."
"Yes, autocorrect. By all means, let’s size the day."
"My child would like you to know that boogers are the Play-Doh of the body."
“Can’t wait to put ‘fully vaccinated’ on my dating profiles like an adoptable dog.”
"Notice how we say 'man' whenever we’re disappointed."
"The light at the end of the terrible two tunnel is the headlight of an oncoming train called the threenager."
"Peeps are the best candies to use as little pillows for your other candy."
How could the late night hosts not poke fun at President Joe Biden’s stair-related mishap?
"Cat logic is so simple yet so effective. dont like something? smack it as far away from you as possible. flawless reasoning."
"THE SHINING remains a hugely empathetic portrait of a guy trying to get some work done with a child around."