"Hey nice attachment style, did your mom pick it out for you?"
"Seltzer is like if water took a Tony Robbins seminar."
"everyone always says i look tired in every photo and video and first of all, i am. second of all, that’s just my face."
"Shout out to all those parents who can stay calm while their children mix Play-Doh colors."
"Don’t argue with them; show your displeasure by making them a sandwich with end-bread."
"Should I buy a Peloton bike or 832 more boxes of Cheez-Its?"
"I finally remembered to shave both armpits so I guess I’m a trophy wife now."
"Took the dogs for a walk. He just stops and pees on my shoe."