"My kids are mad because I took them to the beach all day and bought them ice cream, but I never let them do anything fun."
"No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom."
"You’re not really a parent until you have a large dent in your refrigerator."
"Has anyone ever bought your kid a whistle? You might be entitled to financial compensation."
"Have officially reached the age where my idea of wildly indulgent luxury is having a pair of reading glasses in every room of my house."
"When you mindlessly cut your kid's sandwich into squares instead of triangles and your whole world collapses around you."
"Not sure anything or anyone has ever disappointed me as much as that Instagram swimsuit everyone loves."
This, folks, is marriage in a nutshell.
"Welcome to summertime parenting: YOUR KIDS WANT SNACKS AGAIN."
"One fun thing about kids is that when you tell them to wash their hands, you have to specify 'with soap.'"
"Can’t believe I just have to keep dating until someone likes me back or I die."
"I didn't mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone."
"Planning a family vacation is mostly just making sure the hotel has a pool."
"I live in constant fear of the return of low rise denim."
"Laughing at a child’s joke is a great way to hear that exact same joke 8,000 more times."
"No one’s going to look at the Mueller Report until someone turns it into a musical."
"Parenting is 25% talking about poop and 75% yelling about shoes."