Tweets

"My wife said we need to 'evaluate the garage' so there goes my weekend."
"Never underestimate the memory of a kid whose sibling didn’t help with chores one time three years ago."
"Told my husband I was going to Target for a few things and he said 'like what' and wow, rude."
"If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, then you're probably my kid's soccer coach refusing to cancel practice."
"It’s officially my grandma asking me 'where is your coat!' season."
"My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home."
"I was an only child to two hard working immigrant parents so, I called selfies 'pho-tos'"
"Just me making weird polite conversation with my husband in the backseat so our Uber driver doesn’t think we have a troubled marriage."
"My 7yo just told me I 'breathed in a fussy way' if you want to know how the snow day with everyone home is going."
"Used my husband's body wash and forgot how to load the dishwasher."