"You wouldn't know a joke if one raised you," snapped the senator.
"Putting on and taking off a sports bra counts as exercise. Don’t @ me."
"Have kids so you always have someone to point out how long your nose hairs are while standing in checkout lines."
"I’ve never been held hostage, but I have gotten trapped in my own sports bra while getting undressed."
"My toddler is never more adorable than when we're playing hide and seek and he actually thinks I'm trying to find him."
"I can’t tell if this is my kid’s class roster or a list of the Instagram filters."
"The phone camera arms race really overestimates the degree to which i want to see my own face in high definition."
"Was just informed by our youngest that she no longer likes grilled cheese, so there goes 95% of my weekly meal planning."
"I showed a photo of J.Lo in 'Hustlers' to both my trainer and my financial advisor, so what I'm saying is, my body is ready."
"I hope to someday be as confident as my 3-year-old who thinks she’s having fruit snacks for breakfast."
"What’s the ratio of Democracy Dollars to Schrute Bucks?"
"My wife and I have taken four photos together in the last two years, meanwhile we have 93 photos of our dog sleeping since last week."
"If you wondered how my weekend is going, I had to make a rule for no corndogs in the bathroom."
A photo that president tweeted to 64 million followers could help U.S. adversaries determine details of U.S. surveillance capabilities, experts warned.
"All of this doesn’t make me feel great for when Trump’s Twitter account is inevitably hacked and it starts World War III," one person warned.
"Whoever named them 'amusement parks' never took their kids to one."
"The president is destroying the presidency," one critic snapped back.