"It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child."
"The only thing I'm reopening is this bottle of Tito's Vodka."
"Honestly worst purchase of 2020 was a 2020 planner."
"My daughter just called a cemetery a person garden. I'm not even sure what she thinks is happening there."
"I’m an overthinker so if you don’t give me an answer, I’ll come up with one."
"Somebody said they accidentally screamed 'Jesus' at a protest when they said 'say his name.'"
"I said Alexa three times and she didn’t respond so she’s family now."
"Nobody cares more about proper hydration than a kid who’s just been kissed goodnight."
"I finally understand what Usher meant by fiftyeleven days, umpteen hours."
"Lately I've been ordering stuff online just to give me a will to live for 4-7 business days."