"I showed a photo of J.Lo in 'Hustlers' to both my trainer and my financial advisor, so what I'm saying is, my body is ready."
"I hope to someday be as confident as my 3-year-old who thinks she’s having fruit snacks for breakfast."
"What’s the ratio of Democracy Dollars to Schrute Bucks?"
"My wife and I have taken four photos together in the last two years, meanwhile we have 93 photos of our dog sleeping since last week."
"If you wondered how my weekend is going, I had to make a rule for no corndogs in the bathroom."
A photo that president tweeted to 64 million followers could help U.S. adversaries determine details of U.S. surveillance capabilities, experts warned.
"All of this doesn’t make me feel great for when Trump’s Twitter account is inevitably hacked and it starts World War III," one person warned.
"Whoever named them 'amusement parks' never took their kids to one."
"The president is destroying the presidency," one critic snapped back.
"Welcome to parenthood. Your full-time job is now putting throw pillows back on the couch."
"Being an adult is basically just lemon water and disappointment."
"My kids are mad because I took them to the beach all day and bought them ice cream, but I never let them do anything fun."
"No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom."
"You’re not really a parent until you have a large dent in your refrigerator."
"Has anyone ever bought your kid a whistle? You might be entitled to financial compensation."
"Have officially reached the age where my idea of wildly indulgent luxury is having a pair of reading glasses in every room of my house."
"When you mindlessly cut your kid's sandwich into squares instead of triangles and your whole world collapses around you."
"Not sure anything or anyone has ever disappointed me as much as that Instagram swimsuit everyone loves."