Sunday night's episode of "Kourtney and Khloe Take The Hamptons" had it all. We saw the Kardashian women in the roles they were born to play. There was emotionally staid Kourtney, leaky-a-hole referencing Khloe, dramatic and self-absorbed Kim (sorry Kim, I love you, but it's true), regretful but still partying Scott, meddling Kris Jenner, a friend close to the family who is interesting enough to carry a sub-sub-plot and a quick dash of Kendall. It was the perfect recipe for a tolerable episode of "Kardashians."
The first few moments of the episode resolved some long-standing, unsolved mysteries. We learned that the Kardashians are not super human and that they too suffer consequences when they wear heels. Kim's blistered ankles really gave me new insight into the sacrifices these women make on a regular basis to provide entertainment for the American people. LOL not really, but those blisters were just so "Celebrities, They're Just Like Us!"
Scott drove himself home from rehab after a mere five days. He didn't stay for the sixth day -- "surveillance day," as he called it -- because he felt he had conquered the hard part. Scott's ride back to the Hamptons left me with some unanswered questions. Like, "Does Scott know the difference between rehab and a detox?" And, "Why is Khloe calling Scott before Kourtney?" And, "KIM TOLD HALF OF NEW YORK THAT SCOTT TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE? WTF?!" About that last question, even Kim’s explanation is inadequate. How did we get from Kim asking Sartiano what happened, to her spreading a rumor that he committed suicide? How did we get there?
Scott finally comes home, is amicable with Kourtney, and takes the family out on the boat. And just like that, the characters are back to their old plot devices. Scott is speed racing a luxury boat, Kris Jenner is bugging about getting wet and Kourtney is angrily walking away from the scene. We’re back in business! The boat, the sunglasses, the scenery, one might even say they're "taking" the Hamptons. Finally!
Kourtney proclaims that Scott is “back to his old self.” Though, which old self is that? Pre-rehab self? Pre-parents death self? Just because he is six days sober doesn’t mean those scars have healed. But I guess that is a conversation for another time, for another episode, or perhaps, for another series.
So are we, Scott.
Then, shift plots, there is a "leaky asshole" in the family's innermost circle. Apparently, a source close to the Kardashians has been leaking stories about the family for years. Flashback to scenes where the family is blindsided by personal stories coming out in the tabloids. By the way, that scene where Kim is worried that a story about Kendall and Kylie will portray them as "toxic," I don't recall watching that. Can someone please tell me if and when that episode aired because that was probably amazing. I digress though. There is a leak, and Kourtney and Khloe are hellbent on plugging it.
The episode then takes a sharp left turn into Jersey. Scott has to host a party in Atlantic City (by the way Scott, you never "have to" host a party in Atlantic City), and Kim heads out to the Jersey Shore with "The Leak," Jonathan Cheban. If I didn't know any better I'd say this episode was brought to you by Chris Christie and the state of New Jersey (tbh, it probably is).
Jonathan brings Kim to an authentic Jersey Shore abode that is filled with taxidermy and regret. By the way, there is no possible way that Kim slept in that home but I will look past that for now. The issue of "The Leak" is made even better when Kim confronts Jonathan about his sneaky, publicist ways while he is wearing a shirt that says “She’s my best friend.” You just can't make this stuff up! Okay, this stuff is probably all made up but I will look past that as well and just try to enjoy the irony of that shirt. Kim throws some major shade Jonathan's way by accusing him of celebrity best friend social suicide (I'm not a celebrity best friend but I'd imagine this is the worst thing you could say to one): “Do you want to just go out like that so you can get some paparazzi pics?” Ouch. Burn.
Shots were fired, and doughnuts were thrown but in the end Jonathan turned out not to be the leak. Personally though, I believed he was. And even though Kim totally stabbed Jonathan in the heart, it was all worth it to see her in that "Jersey Shore" get-up as a means of apologizing.
I never thought we'd see Kim Kardashian, 2014 edition, wear a cheesy Jersey Shore crop top with hot pink aviators (2006-edition Kim totally would have worn that getup). But this is 2014, and every outfit must be Kim tested and Kanye approved. This outfit most certainly was not and for that, I am forever grateful.
Yes, you are, Kim. Don't ever change.