If you've lived through the toddler years, you know it's no stroll through the park. Living with toddlers is like getting a sharp stick in the eye and a bikini wax at the same time. Toddlers are good at what they do, despite their lack of real-world experience. The following list is a guide that any good toddler tries their best to abide by:
1. Thou shalt not eat thy food. If you get lucky, you'll breed a child who will try any kind of food under the sun. However, if you are in the 90th percentile of most parents, your kid will be disgusted by most foods (especially anything green). In a situation where they are starving, you will find that after about 2 ½ bites they will be completely full. For about seven minutes.
2. Thou shalt not sleep past 6:15 a.m. It doesn't matter if it's a Monday or Sunday, toddlers will be up before the sun rises if they can help it. But rest assured, they're very thoughtful creatures, so they will make sure to wake you up as well. Isn't that sweet of them?
3. Thou shalt obey the teachings of Caillou. Anyone who has seen Caillou knows that kid is a little punk. A whiny, annoying turd of a child. If your toddler sees him on TV, he will start to emulate this behavior. He will become a follower of this bald-headed little child.
4. Thou shalt never be consistent. Toddlers are infamous for their erratic behavior. One day they will proclaim their love for Triscuits. You will go to Costco and buy two gigantic boxes of said crackers. Upon seeing them, your toddler will writhe in unrest because he HATES Triscuits now. Just when you think you have them figured out, BOOM.
5. Thou shalt always throw a tantrum at the most inopportune time. If you weren't already aware, toddlers enjoy the sound of their shrieking voice. They especially enjoy throwing temper tantrums in the following situations:
• While you are on the phone
• In the car (during long road trips is preferred)
• In the checkout line
• During a social gathering (after you just finished bragging about how well-behaved they are)
6. Thou shalt never pick up thy toys. Like, never, ever, ever pick them up. Get used to walking hunched over, because you will constantly be picking things up off the floor.
7. Thou shalt poop everywhere except thy toilet. The potty training stage of toddler-hood is no joke. I mean, it seems like common sense to poop in a big white bowl, right? Not so much. However, there are many other places they enjoy pooping, such as: behind the couch, in their underwear, in the tub, on the kitchen floor, on the slide at school... the list goes on and on.
8. Thou shalt never perform a task quickly. An interesting thing about toddlers is that most of the time they are constantly going, nonstop. However, any time you need to be somewhere or need to leave the house, they will move at a snail's pace. I'm talking freakishly slow. And if you try to help them speed up the process, they will need to start the task over from square one.
9. Thou shalt have no inside voice. Toddlers have no happy medium when it comes to their vocal cords. It's an ON/OFF switch (and OFF only happens if they are sleeping, or watching the bald-headed child referred to in #3). I recommend earplugs and wine for your sanity.
10. Thou shalt maintain the balance of naughty/adorable child. This is the most important commandment for toddlers. It allows them to be irrational, dramatic, and crazy little humans, all while being sweet and adorable enough to make up for it. This is a skill that is mastered over time, but when used correctly, is 100 percent effective.
If you haven't had the joy of experiencing a toddler already, I hope this article gives you fair warning about their behavior. Kudos to you, if you have already had the luxury of experiencing everything on this list. You deserve a glass of wine and a Netflix binge. Cheers!