The other day Husband and I were out on the town, with the children, and a succession of things went wrong. One kid tripped and fell, another kid climbed into the bottom of the grocery cart against the advice of his father and pinched his finger, and a third one ran into a glass door. It took us twenty minutes to get from the parking lot to the inside of the store.
Every now and then I feel like I’m in the middle of a bad movie. Without all the glamor. And a whole lot of satire.
Here are some movies that could tell the story of my life as a mom.
Gone with the Wind
Tagline: What is she feeding them?
Featuring a mom who tries desperately to get away from her kids’ farts, because she’s almost lost her entire olfactory sense in the cheek trumpet concerts that have graced her house in previous days, this movie follows the main character, named Mama, as she races through every room in her house, trying to open every door, while the noxious gas, shown in a thick green cloud, slowly stink bombs the set. She discovers, tragically, that she is locked inside her house with the killer scent, and, in the end, she passes out for lack of clean air and oxygen. Her sons stand in a circle around her prone body, laughing hysterically about the wonder of their bodies, which, of course, releases more sounds from the fanny flappers. They can’t get over the fact that they have a super power for long enough to help Mama up. They collapse on the floor around her.
The Phantom Menace
Tagline: Now you see me, now you don’t
This movie stars two identical twins who can weave in and out of invisibility, much as they do in real life. They’re so good on their feet they send a mother and father on a wild chase to figure out what they’re doing before they do it—but, of course, the parents are always one step behind as the twins unclog a toilet with a plunger that sloshes brown water everywhere, dump over a container of kitty littler so they can see all the poop lumps buried within it, and disappear at the city zoo and then magically reappear half an hour later, when a zoo employee finds them climbing up the walls of the crocodile exhibit.
The Lion King
Tagline: Ever heard a roar this loud?
This film features a kid who’s trying his hardest to put together an amazing LEGO creation. Unfortunately, his little brothers keep messing him up. By talking. He says they’re being way too loud and breaking his concentration, but when everything is so quiet you could hear a pin drop, he still fails to put those LEGO pieces together to his satisfaction. And then the climax: a roar so loud it breaks every window in his house.
E.T. The Extraterrestrial
Tagline: Are you ready for the perfect storm?
Featuring six boys who are like aliens to their mother, this is the story of the difference between boys and a woman. She doesn’t understand what they’re trying to do half the time, and she doesn’t know if she even wants to understand something as crazy as this. Every time she asks them why they do what they do, they shrug and say, “I don’t know.” Though slow of action, this movie is not slow of humor, as boys attempt to roller blade down stairs, do skateboard tricks on a trampoline, and see who can make the loudest face-smack when he runs into the fence.
The Hunger Games
Tagline: Think you have enough food? You don’t.
This movie features a series of family dinners in which the actual cooked food gets more and more plentiful. But during each family dinner the kids continuously complain that they’re still hungry and there’s nothing left to feed them. They raid the refrigerator at all hours of every day, and, on grocery shopping day, they have a fight to the near-death to see who will choose from the new food first. Throughout the movie, you’ll see the games this family plays at dinner (which do little to distract starving boys), the unbelievable (and interminable) snacks and table feasts, and what boys will do to get extra food before their brothers.
The Jungle Book
Tagline: Wild monkeys only need imaginary trees
This movie follows the journey of one monkey through the wild jungles of home. Watch as he maneuvers flushing the toilet (when he hasn’t actually used it), turning off lights (which he hardly ever does), and cleaning his room (which certainly looks like a jungle). Watch as he attempts to do homework and practice the piano and tell a story about his day in the middle of the jungle. Watch as he outruns those who would like to trip him up at every turn and finally finds his way to the ultimate payoff: food.
Transformers
Tagline: Ask me again. I’ve changed my mind.
This movie features humorous scenes in which indecisive children pick out their clothes, pack their own school lunches, and go about doing activities throughout the day. One second they will want to go to the pool so badly they could cry, and the next minute they’re complaining because they didn’t get to watch a movie tonight. It’s like trying to keep up with a sugar-overdosed hummingbird that changes directions every other second. Also features a short sequence of scenes in which a child acts kind, compliant, and helpful and a follow-up scene in which the same kid acts like a holy terror.
Monsters, Inc.
Tagline: What’s this creature in my house?
This movie features a day in the life of two parents who get their kids home from a weekend visit with the grandparents. It will be filled aplenty with tantrums, screams, complaints about dinner, and constant explosions on the floors of every room in the house as the children show their parents everything the grandparents gave them to bring home. The children will also battle their parents on things like taking a bath, coloring on paper instead of walls, and, of course, going to bed. At the end of this humor tale, a closeup of two frazzled parents collapsing into bed will provide the perfect resolution for this less-than-perfect day.
I am Legend
Tagline: Last man standing wins
This tale stars a strong-willed 10-year-old in the role of Legend and pits parent against child in an ultimate battle of wills: How many times can he ask for something (in different ways) before his dad will cave in? How many whys and why nots will he be permitted before his mom starts to wear her crazy eyes? How many words will he spout before a surrender flag lifts in the background? In addition to his constant arguments, this child will be followed around as he never stops talking. The film features interesting camera angles, four hundred hours of bloopers (monologues), and a compelling look at what it takes to break a parent.
Skyfall
Tagline: They’re both a train wreck and a plane crash
Starring the harried parents of young children, this movie follows them throughout their day-to-day operations—getting kids off to school, working, coming home, fighting through homework, preparing dinner, and, finally, wrestling kids into bed. These parents put on a good show, but what’s it really like inside the confines of their home? They can’t get it together—see all those newspapers stacking up on the counter? They haven’t read them in a month. And the kids add more school papers to the towering stack. Will they ever get a handle on things? Probably not.
So I play a starring role in at least one of these films practically every day of the year. At least I get paid a movie star salary.
Wait. I think I got the short end of this stick.
For more of Rachel’s writings, visit her web site.