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10 Noises That Incite Rage Within Me

is by far one of my son's most favourite TV programmes. Much to my dismay. I can't bear it when George suddenly bursts into tears, which as many other parents will know, tends to happen in every single bastard episode. It goes right through me.
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Before I begin, please allow me to make it clear here. I am not a miserable person. Far from it in fact, however, I've began to realise recently that there are a number of noises that do something to me and it ain't pretty.

Below is a comprehensive list of 10 noises that I've come to hate. I just cannot bear them.

10. Rustling of bags

I don't go to the cinema often. In fact, Wes and I have been together almost 6 years and we have only been to the cinema twice. This is in part because of the noises the general public seem to make whilst watching a film. Coupled with the fidgeting, the chewing and the constant rustling of bags that seem to contain the noisiest food items in the world, it's as much as I can do to stop myself from storming out of there. And don't even get me started on the price of a trip to the cinema

9. Gagging

I feel a bit tight putting this one on here but there's been numerous times over the last year or so where I've been subjected to the sound of nocturnal gagging. Of course, this is all self-inflicted so I have little sympathy for my dearly beloved. Especially if said beloved yells from the bathroom "Rach, can you come and rub my back." 9 times out of 10 I do it and as many of you will know, if there's one thing that puts me in a high state of anxiety then it's vomit.

8. An alarm

When we first moved into our house last Summer, the burglar alarm that we inherited had the most god-awful habit of going off in the small hours. Cue a Usain Bolt type sprint to the bloody device itself pushing a whole manner of buttons in the vain hope of shutting the bastard thing up. Do you think we could find the piece of paper that had the code on it at 3am whilst systematically trying to prevent our son from waking up? Could we balls. Our neighbours must hate us was 5 words I repeated on the regular. Even now I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat worried the alarm is going to sound at any given moment.

7. The voice of someone I dislike

Luckily I don't tend to spend much time with people I dislike. It's a lifestyle choice you see. However, if I do have the unfortunate experience of being in the company of some horrendous individual then hearing their voice makes me want to punch myself in the ear repeatedly. You know what it's like, when you realise you don't like someone everything they do and say becomes highly annoying.

6. Motorbike

If my ears had tear ducts they would actually cry upon hearing the sound of a motorbike. Recently a neighbour of mine has introduced his motorbike or moped (I don't really know what it is but it has 2 wheels and an engine and quite frankly that's all I need to know) to the vicinity and I'm already finding myself cursing him under my breath. There was a time when Wes told me he was going to invest in a motorbike. An ultimatum was delivered upon hearing that and I'm pleased to report he remains bike-less to this day.

5. Fingernails down a chalkboard

Surely no one is a fan of this noise? It makes me go all cold whenever I hear it, which luckily is quite rare, especially since I haven't been in school *whispers* for almost 2 decades. To be honest, anything to do with fingernails makes me feel a bit queasy. You'd always get a kid in school who liked to run his nasty nails down the board, didn't you? Little shit.

4. Bagpipes

Apologies to any Scottish readers who might be having a peruse of this post but I have to be true to myself and confess how much I hate the sound of bagpipes. There really is nothing worse than having a wander around a city centre on a Sunday afternoon, enjoying the sound of the birds tweeting (not really, I don't really like that noise either) when all of a sudden your peace comes to a dramatic end because some bloke has decided to blow the contents of his lungs into a bagpipe. I swear I can hear the sound ringing in my ears for days afterwards.

3. People eating loudly

When my son has gone to bed, I often find myself languishing in my bed (my most favourite place ever) watching trashy television. This absolute heaven is usually disturbed by my other half plonking himself down, opening a noisy bag of something (see number 10) and chowing down on a noisy food item. Once I've noticed it that's it, I can no longer concentrate on Celebrity Big Brother or Emmerdale or whatever it is that I'm watching and Wes may as well be in my brain eating the packet of nuts.

I swear he does it so he can have what he wants on the box.

2. George from Peppa Pig crying

Peppa Pig is by far one of my son's most favourite TV programmes. Much to my dismay. I can't bear it when George suddenly bursts into tears, which as many other parents will know, tends to happen in every single bastard episode. It goes right through me. My face contorts and I have to go and stand in the kitchen for 5 minutes (the duration of the episode itself) just to escape the shrill that's reverberating around my living room. You can also file under here the sound of Peppa Pig's voice. In fact everything to do with Peppa Pig. Pity me when I take my son to Peppa Pig world in October. I wonder if I can have wine intravenously drip fed throughout the excursion.

1. My neighbours car

One of these days, I swear to God, I am going to get the largest banana I can find and shove it right up his exhaust. I won't really, I can't bear to touch bananas you see. I live in a relatively quiet cul de sac, which was a welcome change after living on a very busy main road for over 3 years previously. Well, I say it's relatively quiet, this is until the boy racer who lives a few doors up from me decides to rev his engine at 4am. This bloke is OBSESSED with his hunk of junk, he spends hours upon hours working on it, probably trying to make that engine of his louder. It makes me want to scream and tear my hair out in equal measures. Deffo ASBO worthy.