10 Other Secret Direct Channels That Jared Kushner Considered

The Washington Post is reporting that Trump’s son-in-law and senior advisor, Jared Kushner, asked for a direct channel to Moscow that would circumvent U.S. communications procedures. A source tells us about other secret direct channels he considered.

President Obama’s Transition Team

According to our source, there was a brief moment when Kushner thought to reach out to the transition team, who had been filling up his voicemail and email inbox for months. “We just didn’t think they were the best people to tell us how to run the White House,” Kushner said of the former occupants of the White House.

Melania Trump

Kushner cited the difficulty in getting the president and first lady to speak to one another. “It’s just better if I serve as a go-between,” he reportedly said.

Fox and Friends

Kushner expressed interest in setting up an info share with the Fox News show, in order to convey his ideas to Trump in a way “the president would find more receptive.”

Justin Trudeau

Kushner’s interest in opening a direct channel to the dreamy eyed Canadian Prime Minister came after some discussion of the current whereabouts of first daughter Ivanka Trump. “They’re just friends, right?” he reportedly asked.

The Guy Who Took a Level on a Plane

“He wants to know if he really did it,” Kushner said of Trump, “and if it was really level.”

Jerry Sandusky

It was explained to Kushner that it would be difficult to circumnavigate the communication lockdown present at supermax prison SCI Greene, but he insists that Trump believes Sandusky is “all class,” and that he’d make a “tremendous deputy secretary of education.”

The Trix Rabbit

“He wants me to get a hold of that rabbit,” said Kushner, “so that he can tell him once and for all that he eats Trix but he isn’t a kid.”

The Umbrella Corporation

“You get me those zombie scientists,” Trump told Kushner, speaking of the nefarious organization from the Resident Evil series of movies and games. “They’re doing great work. Tremendous work.” Our source said that Kushner’s eyes turned a shade of pale yellow, and the chalky white skin of his wrist began to flake off before he pulled his sleeve down to cover it up.

Trump of Twitter Past

Kushner is desperately searching for a direct line to past Trump, in order to beg him to stop tweeting things that are contradictory to his current platform.


“The president heard that he makes great deals,” said Kushner.

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