I was recently laid off from my job. I know, awesome. Unfortunately, it's not an uncommon occurrence these days and people tend not to react with the same surprise they would have in years past. When you tell them, people look at you like you just ripped your face off, only to reveal the exact same face. Picture that in your head right now. See, you're surprised, but not for long, right? "OH MY GOD THIS GUY'S RIPPING HIS FACE OFF -- oh wait, never mind, everything's very normal."
Being let go leaves you feeling screwed, even if the job was never a resume builder. I've since realized why "getting laid off" and "getting laid" are only one word apart. They're very similar events. Here are ten reasons why...
1. Getting there involved talking yourself up with a lot of flowery half-truths. "What countries, specifically, do I perform charity work in, you ask? Well, what countries have you been to?" Or... "Unfortunately, any references who could have verified my exhaustive and highly decorated zoological background were killed in that tragic wolverine accident." Or... "I would absolutely like to board this crazy train, Mr. Beck."
2. They'll jerk you around a lot in the beginning, but it doesn't go where you want it to. Though there will be a release of one sort or another.
3. Being a straight shooter is admirable, but can sometimes end with you apologizing. Then sitting by yourself. Or paying a bill. Or both.
4. There's an above average chance that you will steal something before you leave. And when you're finally gone, you'll try to think of reasons you can awkwardly go back to take the good stuff you didn't think of at the time.
5. Deep down, you know it's you who is responsible for spreading that virus. And in all instances, nudity was somehow involved.
6. Whether it's your sales, your teamwork skills or something else, the term "flaccid" keeps coming up. However, you're convinced you made a strong showing and maintain it was "someone else" who was responsible for any decline in performance.
7. When the coast is clear, you raid the fridge. Anything with a name on it is the first to go. When people write their name on food they're just assuming everyone else is a criminal. And who cares, you probably won't see them again, so take it and leave them in a state of constant paranoia.
8. Afterward, you tell yourself you're done with "that." From now on you have a fresh opportunity to follow your heart. Even if the next week involves a feverish search armed with standards subterranean enough to make a mole king blush.
9. Getting there also required purchasing new clothes and paying extra attention to hygiene. And on your way out, you realize just how much you overestimated the need for any of that.
10. In the end, they're left unsatisfied with your performance. And you're crying.