There is no denying that the financial, physical, and emotional responsibilities of caring for a family often wreaks havoc on a couple’s love life. As busy parents, the time and energy that previously was reserved for couple time becomes more limited, and in some cases is sacrificed altogether to cater to kid-related needs or wants. So, what’s the secret? How do you keep the connection strong and the romance alive in your relationship when the physical and emotional demands of parenthood are so high?
Let’s start by getting real. Many mothers, at some point in their motherhood journey, face the following conundrum (and secretly would like to scream it from the rooftops):
“What am I supposed to do about the fact that I feel exhausted, hormonal, crabby, underappreciated, and unsexy, and I crave time alone when no one needs or demands anything from me physically, mentally, or emotionally?How am I supposed to get my sexy on when I barely find the time or energy to take a shower?”
And there might be a few other insights that you’d add to the rant. Maybe you’ve let yourself go physically and do not feel attractive right now, or maybe it’s the other way around and you do not feel attracted to your partner. Maybe hormones, exhaustion, or stress truly have numbed your or your partner’s sex drive.
While these challenges are quite difficult for couples to manage, if dealt with in a healthy way, there is still hope to re-kindle the spark in your relationship! Here are some strategies to do so:
As a veteran mom of four, a wife of 24 years, researcher, and interviewer of thousands of moms for my book, I first want to offer couples two friendly, potentially relationship-saving warnings:
1) Be aware of the “two ships passing in the night” scenario. Many well-intentioned parents become so bogged down with day-to-day responsibilities that we fall into patterns of committing all of our available time outside of work to kid-related commitments and activities, which often means dividing and conquering. While this set-up can work okay for the short-term, neglecting to carve out alone time for you and your partner can have huge consequences to the relationship, including its complete deterioration.
(Note to self, your partner and your child: Maintaining the health and happiness of your partnership is far more important than attending every single one of your child’s Pee Wee hockey game. I promise you!)
2) Be aware of overemphasizing or underemphasizing the issue of sex in your relationship. The amount of sex a couple is having or not having can certainly be the flashing red light that illuminates a disconnect in the relationship because it is tangible and measurable but generally speaking, while sex is certainly important, the overall health of the relationship is dependent on so much more!
A healthy relationship starts with and is nurtured by a strong emotional connection, and quite often, sex is an extension of that closeness and intimacy. In other words, instead of just focusing on how much or how little sex you are having, work on the root causes of your intimacy issues as a way to bring you and your partner closer together.
According to Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., author of Emotional Fitness for Intimacy: “Intimacy doesn’t mean having a sex life that rivals 50 Shades of Gray. Of course, true intimacy is much sweeter that that. It is an exchange of tender energy between two people who love each other deeply.”
10 Essential Tips for Parents to Keep Love Alive in Your Relationship:
1. Pay attention to your partner every single day. Be generous about showing him or her your love.
2. Be mindful of how you greet your partner. Smile, hug, or kiss when you greet each other.
3. Be aware of your tone when talking to your partner. Try to speak in a loving, caring voice, like you would talk to a close friend.
4. Express your love and appreciation for your partner as often as you can.
5. Make spending time with your partner a priority and be proactive about making it happen. Book a babysitter or send kids to grandma’s. Let your partner know that you look forward to your time alone with him or her.
6. Talk about sex with your partner in a caring, thoughtful, and respectful way.
7. Make plans for intimacy. Spontaneity may not be a viable option at this busy stage of life so you many need to carve out time and plan for sex.
8. Look for ways to ignite passion: send love texts, light candles in your bedroom or bathroom, hold hands, and hug and kiss often—and make sure your kids see these gestures of love and care (you are modeling what a relationship looks and feels like).
9. If sex is a chronic area of struggle for you and your partner and talking doesn’t help, seek guidance from a professional who can hopefully help you and your partner bring more love and happiness back into your relationship. (Note: while counseling is an investment of time and money, it is much less time-consuming, expensive, and painful than divorce!)
10. Practice ongoing self-care. Exercise, eat well, rest, and take time to center yourself so that you feel good overall. By practicing love and acceptance toward yourself, you are much better equipped to share your love and compassion with your partner.
Portions of this article are excerpted from Burton’s book The Self-Care Solution—A Modern Mother’s Must-Have Guide to Health and Well-Being available on Amazon or Barnes and Noble.