Earlier this year, I had the privilege of turning 27. Personally, I still feel like a hot, young babe. A very tired, jiggly hot, young babe who wears yoga pants on the reg. Regardless, I am definitely too youthful to be almost 30. Thirty is for old, boring people who watch the news and eat dinner at 4:00 p.m. I, being as buoyant and fresh as I am, do things like eat non-GMO cashew butter out of the jar and go on never-ending Netflix binges. I am clearly way too hip to be over the hill of my 20s.
Or so I thought.
Since my birthday, I have been faced with some eye-opening truths... turning 30 is closer than I realize. This whole youthful bit is turning into quite the facade... unfortunately. One afternoon, as I was alphabetizing our books, I was forced to accept reality. After I brewed some coffee and grabbed my fluffy fleece blanket, I curled up on my couch and really pondered my approaching old age.
Here are 10 signs turning 30 is closer than I realize.
1. I've started spending my time unwinding by pulling weeds in our flowerbeds. Like out in my front yard... on my hands and knees... pulling weeds... in plain view of my neighbors. #smh
2. If I am going to consume an alcoholic beverage, it'd better taste GOOD. This isn't a frat party -- I don't want to gag my drink down in hopes of being tipsy in under five minutes. I want to relax with a delicious red blend served in a wine glass, not a Solo cup.
3. I no longer buy pre-packaged meat products. When we want deli meat, hamburgers or seafood, I go straight to Ken the Butcher and request the ribeye five steaks down.
4. I just purchased my first eye cream. That's right... eye cream. Ain't nobody got time for dark circles and fine lines.
5. I worry over things like sunscreen, fragrance-free laundry detergent, and high-fructose corn syrup. I mean, seriously, why isn't that corn-starch-based sweetener banned yet??
6. I used to be saddened and question my coolness if I didn't have plans on Saturday night. But now I'm as giddy as a toddler on Christmas Eve if I get to be in my jammies by 8:00 p.m.
7. There is absolutely no way I can pull off saying words like "fleek" and "yolo." Don't even get me started on trying to nae nae. Can you say whiplash?
8. My new favorite place to shop is Costco. Who doesn't love free samples and buying 50 rolls of toilet paper for $12?
9. My idea of a "thrill" is when I pull off a flawless checkout at Target. I'm like Extreme Couponers, mom style. I've got multiple transactions, coupons, cartwheel, my REDcard, AND my credit card (gotta get those airline miles). All with a tired toddler and infant strapped to my chest.
10. For my birthday I ask for things like kitchen gadgets, house shoes, and new spandex.
Once I completed this fairly obvious list about how turning 30 is closer than I realize, I felt depressed. So, naturally, I was forced to open up a new bottle of Noble Vines and immediately delve into the next season of The Blacklist.
My dear friend, if you find yourself guilty of any of the above, then I'm afraid turning 30 may be closer than you realize.
If that's the case, I'll catch you at Costco -- I'll be the one standing next to the chicken salad samples.