I avoid being in any pictures at any and all costs. I never take "selfies" and to be honest, I don't like to see other people's "selfies." There is a dangerous trend spreading across the globe where people are putting themselves in harm's way to click the perfect "selfie." As a mother of three I would like to start a campaign know as "Safe Selfies." Below are some tips and tricks to practice while taking "selfies" to ensure that they are safe, secure and in good taste.
1. Avoid the "Naughty Selfie" at all times: This is a firm tip to practice. You don't want to look like a horse's ass while showing too much titty. Keep your clothes on and no one will nag you about your indiscretions in the future.
2. Avoid the Dr. Seuss "selfie": Do not selfie with a fox. Do not selfie in a box. Be sure to check both here and there; your selfie could end up EVERYWHERE!
3. Avoid high altitude "selfies.": Perhaps it's because the air is thinner, or you're an idiot, but a "selfie" on the railing on a bridge or the rooftop of a building spells disaster.
4. Never "selfie" while drinking: It always seems like a great idea to take out the phone and click away while hanging out and drinking with friends. Instagram and Snapchat will tell a much different, more scandalous story the next day. You thought you looked hot, but hot you was not!
5. Duck-face "selfies" are done!: Please avoid the duck-face "selfie" at all costs. I am currently working with the state legislature to make this type of "selfie" a ticketable offense for animal cruelty.
6. Animal "selfies" are so not this season: Stay away from bears, bison, bucks, bees, beavers, bats, bulldogs, baboons, and bobcats. To be safe, avoid taking a "selfie" with any member of the animal kingdom that isn't vaccinated and micro-chipped.
7. Avoid the arrestable "selfie": It is not wise to take a "selfie" with guns, ammo, knives, weapons, money, drugs or bomb-making materials. If you are unaware of what self-incrimination is, shoot me an e-mail and I will send you some information, and the contact of a good lawyer I know.
8. Funeral "selfies": This type of selfie is usually in poor taste, especially if you also get an image of the casket or urn. Some people may wonder why you are shooting a peace sign next to Grandma's casket with a stern look on your face.
9. DWS (Driving while selfie-ing): PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, stop taking selfies while driving in cars. I promise that this will end in catastrophe. You may have caught a glimpse of yourself in the side view mirror and thought, "Damn, I am looking smoking hot today," but I beg of you, keep the phone off and away from you while driving. You will definitely look smoking hot when you plow into a tree and your car bursts into flames.
10. DO NOT EVER take a bathroom selfie: I repeat, NEVER EVER take a bathroom selfie. You may have seen yourself in the bathroom mirror and thought, "Wow, this is the perfect lighting for a dick pic." I guarantee you that it is not the perfect lighting, and further more, shame on you. Put your penis back in your pants and go straight to time-out. But the real danger of the bathroom selfie is simple, you may unintentionally snap the picture with the toilet in the background and low and behold, the toilet is overrun with a gang of feces.
So if you must "selfie" please do it with care. Use the brains in your head, and keep the duck bill off your lips. I am not opposed to saving memories, I am simply trying to spread awareness about the great cause that is near and dear to my heart. So be smart and practice safe selfies!