10 Steps to Getting a Boyfriend: Based in Consulting Methodology

1. You're looking for a boyfriend -- You sit down and write out a list of features that you'd like to find in a man.

  • "6'0"
  • Democrat
  • Good job
  • Six pack
  • Chiseled jawline
  • Green eyes
  • Ivy League degree

2) This list kind of makes you sound like an a**hole. But, that's beside the point. Now that you've defined your requirements, it's time to conduct some market research. You grab your iPhone and scroll through your contact list, which grew massive over the years thanks to nightclubs and cloud computing.

3) You create a long list of all the guys from your contact list who meet at least one of the aforementioned requirements.

  • Brad: ("6'0"/six pack)
  • Chase: (Democrat/good job/green eyes)
  • Michael: (Democrat/good job/chiseled jawline)
  • Jonathan: (Democrat?/"6'0"/good job/Harvard grad)
  • David: (six pack, green eyes)
  • Rich: (good job)
  • Josh: (Democrat/green eyes)
  • Jamal: (Democrat/"6'5")

4) Now that you have your requirements and a long list of hunks, it's time to prioritize the requirements. You do so as follows:

  • Good job (must have)
  • Democrat (must be)
  • Chiseled jawline (nice to have)
  • "6'0" (nice to be)
  • Six pack (nice to have)
  • Green eyes (nice to have)
  • Ivy League degree (preferred)

5) Now, you eliminate anyone who doesn't have a good job and doesn't vote Democratic. You may be shallow, but at least you know what you like.

  • Chase: (Democrat/good job/green eyes)
  • Michael: (Democrat/good job/chiseled jawline)
  • Jonathan: (Democrat?/"6'0"/good job/Harvard grad)

Congratulations. You've arrived at your short list: Chase, Michael and Jonathan. All of these guys look great on paper.

6) But now it's time to schedule dates with them. You text all three the same line: "Let's grab drinks tonight," but you text them on different days.

It works like a charm. You line up three dates over the course of two weeks.

Some would call this tactic slutty. Others don't use that word.

Dating multiple men, one after another, is a great way to weigh their qualities and make more informed decisions about them.

7) Evaluating the men is difficult, though.

For example, Jonathan, the Harvard grad, is tall, witty and passionate, but, as it turns out, is also conservative. And could you really marry a man who voted for Bush... twice?

Michael, on the other hand, is good-looking, hard working and probably more liberal than you, but all he wears are graphic tees from Target and he smells like a bong.

Chase is an investment banker with black hair and gorgeous green eyes. But he knows he's hot sh*t. It would be hard to trust him around other NYC women.

8) It seems best to keep both Jonathan and Chase in the mix for now. Neither is necessarily perfect for you, but both are solid pulls, better than Michael and his 15 super hero shirts.

  • Chase: (Democrat/good job/green eyes)
  • Jonathan: (Republican/"6'0"/good job/Harvard grad)

9) After a sloppy night barhopping with Jonathan's fraternity brothers and a lovely weekend at Chase's beach house, you find yourself more compatible with Chase. He's hot, smart and sweet. Jonathan is a child with a Harvard degree.

  • Chase: (Democrat/good job/green eyes)

10) Well, you've made it this far! --You evaluated eight men and found yourself a potential boyfriend in Chase. How you proceed from here is up to you. But keep in mind: Nobody out there is perfect -- not Chase, not you. Sometimes you have to lower your expectations to the point at which you're satisfied with reality.

*And remember, this was all written in good humor. If you really want to fall in love, stop following 10-step processes to do it.

**Not too long ago, Benjamin Franklin argued that we should employ accounting techniques to select the right romantic counterparts. In disagreement, Jonathan William, apparently a romantic, responded by saying, before taking a wife, a man "must fall in love... and that seems to be as involuntary an act as falling into a well."