10 Sure-Fire Ways to Stimulate the Economy

Make it illegal for any American not to purchase the widescreen edition DVD of
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  • Replace current U.S. Treasury spokesperson with granite-voiced actor Dennis Haysbert.

  • Make it illegal for any American not to purchase the widescreen edition DVD of I Am Legend.
  • Poison national water supply and sell antidote for $4.99 at Rite Aid.
  • Invest $20 of every American's income in Homeopaws, the new homeopathic pet store off Route 9.
  • Convince Germany to readopt Nazism so we can fight WWII again.
  • Institute one-week-only "buy two mortgages, get one free" policy.
  • Have someone write and record a really catchy song, then play the song on the radio a lot.
  • All mittens half off. For the rest of the year.
  • No more of this "take a penny, leave a penny" horse shit.
  • Just stick to what we do best: stuffed-crust pizza, baby-tees, and porn.
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