"Oh my God, you have the coolest job! I'm sure you could write a book about all of the stuff you see!" Since all of my non-wedding industry friends always seem to think that my job was nothing but rainbows and unicorns, I thought I would share ten things I hate about "I do." And since I'm not really into sugar coating, a few of these items may hit a nerve, so bridey, I suggest you listen up and learn from this instead of being offended. Because I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God. If used correctly, then what I am about to share with you can quite possibly change the entire course of your wedding, if not your life. Ok... a touch dramatic, but...
1. Cheap brides. It's one thing if you don't have the money, and need to scale back. I totally get it! But, cheap for the sake of being cheap is fucking annoying. I want you to remember something, bridey. You get what you pay for, and if you hire the cheapest vendor or nickel and dime the ones you hire to their breaking point, then most likely you will be disappointed with the outcome. If you're cheap with them, then odds are? They're going to be cheap with you.
2. Two words. Dry-wedding. WHAT the fuck? I have planned weddings of all different religions, backgrounds, etc., but imposing your personal tastes and/or beliefs on your guests is rude. At least have a cash bar (cringe) and make your guests pay for their booze. But, not offering it? Inconsiderate.
3. Which leads me to my next point. Vegan weddings. REALLY? Enough! Be vegan! Be healthy! That's awesome, bridey, but pretty please with sugar on top, don't subject your guests to tofu if they aren't interested. Look, I have a lot of vegan friends, but when we're together they certainly don't impose their "stuff" onto me. So, please, bridey, don't do it at your wedding. If meat makes you ill, I totally get it. Just make it a lovely vegetarian wedding, and skip the vegan.
4. Get a grip on your expectations. Drop the fairy tale act. You want magic? Then marry the right man. PERIOD. If you plan well, stay true to yourself (and your budget), and the rest will fall into place. And you know what that is? Magic!
5. Please don't be rude to your fiancé, mother, father, sister, brother, event manager, florist, caterer, etc. in front of anybody else. Because it's painful. It's excruciating. It's uncomfortable. And it makes me want to punch you in the face. If you have an issue with any of the peeps mentioned above, then work it out privately and drop the audience.
6. Unflattering bridesmaids dresses. You heard me. UN-FLATT-ER-ING! And for any of you who say "OMG, don't my girls look amazing?" You're lying! Because that bottom heavy friend of yours in that stick-straight, super light dress is fucking miserable, and it shows! So, be considerate, bridey. Because more often than not, that amazing bridesmaid dress? It'll be donated after the wedding, and will probably be worn by a 17-year-old girl to her prom. So, if you must, then be a stickler for color, not for style.
7. Weddings over a long weekend. Remember the video post I did when I broke the news that nobody wants to come to your wedding? Well, that feeling is multiplied by 100 when it comes to attending a wedding over a long, holiday weekend. Most of your guests would like to get away for a three day weekend, and unfortunately that does not mean getting away and attending a wedding with the focus on somebody else. So before you consider ruining the holiday for your guests, see if there is any other date that would satisfy you and your groom.
8. God awful toasts. Bridey, if you know that the best man is a notorious drunk or has an odd sense of humor, then don't give him the opportunity to go public with his "charm". I've sat through way too many awkward toasts, and trust me it's not cute, and it's not cool. All it does is make everybody in the room uncomfortable. So, pull the plug before he even has the chance to go "on air."
9. The transformation from "engaged" to bride. Huh? Let me explain. It makes me sad when I meet a bride for an initial consultation and she's a beautiful, slightly voluptuous, curly haired girl, and by the time the wedding comes along, she's got no shape, stick straight hair and is a mere shadow of who she used to be... just for the sake of the wedding. Bridey, your groom needs to recognize you as you stroll down the aisle! I mean, the dude proposed to you as you were, right? So, make sure you're still the same girl! Look, I'm not saying that you shouldn't get healthy and look FAB on your wedding day, but a complete transformation? That's going a bit too far.
10. Sometimes, I hate the bride herself. I hate what planning a wedding has done to her. She's become selfish, needy and impatient. She's not the girl she was before the bling met her finger. It pisses me off! Grrrrrr....
Number 10? Yeah, that is how Bitchless Bride came to be.