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10 Things I Want My Daughters to Know When We Fight

10 Things I Want My Daughters to Know When We Fight
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Former business consultant turned mama, writer, and cookbook author

Former business consultant turned mama, writer, and cookbook author
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My beautiful girls,

One of you is 2 years old and the other 2 months. Already I love you both a love so fierce...so encompassing...it makes me vulnerable, hopeful, weak, and strong all at the same time.

I can't imagine a day when we won't be living in our fun little bubble all the time. A day when I am no longer the most important person in your life, or no longer your main source of fun and comfort. My heart tells me I won't have to...it whispers a better story: we'll be different from all other mothers and daughters in history. We'll never have our differences, we'll see eye to eye on everything, and we'll always be each other's best friends.

But my mind tells me there will be days that are not all tickles and cuddles and times when we may have our differences and argue about things.

So if my mind turns out to know better than my heart, and some day one of you is mad at me and refusing to listen, I hope you'll read these ten things I wrote at a time when I couldn't picture our relationship being anything less than blissful.

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  1. I will always love you...no matter what. My love for you is unconditional, and at the bottom of this infinite love in my heart, you will always find forgiveness. There may be times I don't love your behavior or your choices, but whatever we may be going through, whatever any of us has done, know that through every second of it, I love you with every fiber of my being. Without conditions. Forever.

  • There was a time when everything was perfect. There was a time when my arms were enough to make you safe and your smiles made me feel on top of the world. A time when my hands were enough to wipe away your tears and your pain, to rub your back to a peaceful sleep, and to hold your own as you crossed the street. A time when my games made you giggle so hard and your mischief really made me laugh. As you get older, the stakes get bigger. So your mischief might not make me laugh anymore and my hands might not be enough to solve every difficulty you face. But through it all remember, even as they get weaker, my hands will still always be there to hold yours.

  • You will always be my baby. Both of your births are still fresh in my mind: the worry, the fear, the pain, and the pure joy of seeing and holding you in my arms for the very first time. You were so little, so fragile, so vulnerable and I vowed right then I would do everything in my power to protect you for as long as I lived. So you see, it's not that I don't trust letting you go on your own, it's that I still picture those tiny babies placed in my arms, cuddled on my chest, and I can't let go of the image of the angels who need me...the ones I vowed to always protect.

  • I am scared. I always have been. From they you were conceived I started worrying about you. What I ate in pregnancy, who carried you and how they did it after you were born, how warm you were, were you eating enough, were you happy at school, did you feel safe and loved? I would stay up nights in a row to snatch you up from a cough or a fever or a bad dream. It's hard to change habits, isn't it? So many of the things I say "No" to and many of the things I do that annoy you, they're not because I don't trust you. They're because I'm scared of something hurting you...because I still worry about you.

  • I am human. I'm sure you wish I was 'super-mom' - we all wish our parents were - but I also know now that nobody is. I am my own worst critic, I know my flaws, I even hate myself for them sometimes. I want to be perfect for you, and I always want to take back anything I do that may have hurt you, but I'm human and I can't. So please know I've always done the best I knew how to do.

  • You have always come first...and you always will. You probably know by now, I'm not one to let go or give up easily. But when you came into my life, there were many things, from serious to silly, I easily and gladly gave up: work, sleep, regular meals, the gym, high heels, quiet time, etc...and on days when I felt I could not do it anymore, one smile or one hug from you was enough to make me love every minute of it all over again. So even when life gets busy and even if you sometimes feel left behind, please know you still come first and if I need to give up anything for you, I will.

  • I will always listen. And I don't mean I will hear you. I mean I will actively listen. I will digest. I will try to understand. I will listen to what you tell me, but I will also listen to what's in your heart. I will listen to what your eyes say and what your walk tells. I will always try to understand. But if sometimes I get it wrong, please come to me with whatever you have on your mind, whatever may be weighing on your chest, because I'm here. I'm all ears and no judgment.

  • You are doing a great job and I am very proud of you. I know how hard it is to hear criticism, reproach, or instruction from your mother because no matter how old we get, we are always seeking our parents' approval. I want you to know you have mine. If ever I criticize you, instruct you, or seem to have neither filter nor boundary with my advice, believe me when I tell you I still think you're doing a great job even if you're doing it different from how I would. And even if I'm not proud of every choice you make, I will always be proud that you are my daughters and I would not exchange you for anyone else in the world.

  • It's ok if you hate me...for now. If I stop you from doing or having something you want, it's not because I don't trust you. It's because I have been around long enough to know sometimes bad things happen to good people and some lessons are better learned from others than first hand. So go ahead. Hate me. I'm ok with it, because I would rather live in a world where you are safe but think I'm a terrible mother than one where you think I'm the best but are not ready for the future or are at risk of something bad happening to you

  • I may hate fighting with you, but I will always, always, fight FOR you. Don't worry if we fight - it means we care enough to be honest even when we disagree. It means we have something worth fighting for. It means we are close enough to have things to fight about. Mostly, remember that any fight I may have with you is nothing compared to the fights I am willing to fight FOR you.

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