Pregnancy Police. Baby Bobbies (I coined this one - rather proud of it an' all, if I do say so myself!). I would bet my collection of fake tan on the fact that if you're a parent or an expectant one, you've come into contact with the interfering individuals who think they have the right to discuss the contents of your womb.
I couldn't sleep last night, my son has been unwell the last few days with an ear infection and I was awake waiting for him to wake up (he did, right on cue at midnight) when I was thinking (don't ask me why) back to when I was pregnant and the things that people would say or ask me that would wind me up.
So, here is a definitive list of the 10 things I don't recommend anyone ever says to a new or expectant parent. Certainly not if you want your head to remain sat on your shoulders anyway!
10.Oh, I don't like that name.
Really? Ah, don't tell me that, I really must change it. I'm so gutted that the choice I made for my baby doesn't meet your standards.
Tell it to someone who actually gives one.
You can also add under here when someone refuses to call your child by the name you've chosen. Say for example you've shortened their name and you have a family member or a friend who won't adhere to that. Speaking from experience? Maybe.
9.You're not making your own food from scratch?
The contents of this jar of food would look lovely on your head right now.
8.How many kids are you planning on having?
Hang on a minute, can I pop this one out first? No matter whether you're 3 months pregnant or 3 years into parenting, people can't wait to ask you when the next one will be showing their face.
7.You had a C-section? You took the easy way out then!
Nah, you're right. I just led back and thought of England whilst my stomach was cut open and my almost 7lb baby was pulled from within me. It was oh so easy. In fact, I think I could do it every day and not even bat an eyelid.
6.Still got your Mummy tummy then!
I remember reading an article earlier this year about Giovanna Fletcher; author and wife to Tom Fletcher of McFly fame. A woman approached Giovanna who at this point was 11 days post birth (eleven days mind, I don't even think I ventured out of the house for the first few weeks!) and pointed to her stomach and muttered 5 unhelpful & totally unnecessary words "Mummy's still got her tummy". She also followed it up with something about Giovanna's face slimming down. The sheer bloody rudeness of it. I hope when the story went viral the woman in question felt thoroughly ashamed. Us Mum's have just spent the best part of 9 months carrying and growing an actual human being, so sorry if my belly hasn't snapped back the way you think it should but kindly piss off out of my "chubby face".
5.Wow, you are getting huge!
Fuck off. Just fuck right off and don't ever come within 15 foot of me again.
4.Oh I bet it's nice being at home, just you and the baby, doing nothing?
Nothing? Nothing? Shall I tell you how many explosive nappies I've had the displeasure of changing today? Or do you want me to break down how many hours my washing machine has been on over the course of the day? And don't even get me started on how many screaming contests I've had to placate. What is this nothing you speak of?
3.Was it planned?
I'll never forget being about 5 months pregnant, my partner and I were coming home from a friend's house in a taxi. We knew the taxi driver as we would use him quite frequently when we'd go out of an evening pre-pregnancy. Well, I say knew in the loosest possible term of course. So, imagine my shock when he turned to me and Wes whilst taking us home one evening and muttered the immortal words "so, was it planned guys?". Ground open up and swallow either me or him please.
2.Make sure you get all your sleep in now!
Yeah, because you can bank sleep can't you. It really works like that. The last thing I would have wanted when I was staring at every hour on the clock from 10pm until 7am 3 weeks in was to remember just how amazing that nights sleep was that I had when I was 4 months pregnant.
1.So, are you planning on breastfeeding?
What I do or don't do with my breasts is of absolutely no concern of yours. You just know that if you answer this intrusive question with a "no, I'm not planning on it" or maybe even "I've not decided yet" you'll be on the receiving end of a 30 minute tirade pointing out how breast is best and it's free/good for weight loss blah blah blah. My baby. My breasts. My decision. Now naff off.