Everyone knows that getting sloppy drunk at the company holiday party is a really bad idea if you want to remain employed. But in light of recent revelations and accusations of a sexual nature in Hollywood, Washington DC and newsrooms everywhere, the list of company party no-no's is getting bigger by the day.
By all means enjoy the office holiday party this year, but avoid these 10 behaviors if you want to keep your job:
1. Singing "Who Put the Penis on the Snowman?"
Music is integral to the holidays and who doesn't love the holiday classics, like Deck the Halls and Jingle Bells? It definitely shows enthusiasm and team spirit to sing along with the holiday songs, especially if there is a live pianist. But singing Who Put the Penis on the Snowman or Merry F*cking Christmas will not endear you to some people in the room.
2. Kissing anyone whether or not you are under mistletoe
Greeting your coworkers at the office party with a kiss is out this year. You don't even like most of them anyway. So keep your lips to yourself and the rim of your glass. No kisses for anyone.
3. Putting on the Santa hat and inviting people to sit on your lap
Trust me, no one wants to sit on your lap. Even kids do not want to sit on Santa's lap. They only do it so they can tell Santa what they want for Christmas. No one at the office party thinks for one minute that you are going to give them anything they want, so knock it off.
4. Telling a coworker what you want for Christmas
What you may want for Christmas is something you should discuss with either Santa or maybe a priest or therapist. Your coworkers do not need to hear about your fantasies.
5. Inviting anyone up to your office
No one wants to see your office. They can see it during the work day if they are so inclined and have any interest in your office decor.
6. Asking someone who works for you out on a date
It's a really bad idea to ask someone who works for you out on a date after reminding them that their performance review is coming up. That just doesn't pass the smell test.
7. Complimenting anyone's attire
Your coworkers may come to the party in festive holiday attire. Some may wear ties with light-up snowmen on them or earrings that play holiday songs. But under no circumstances should you acknowledge that you've noticed the effort. And you'd be wise to also avoid complimenting them on how lovely the dress accentuates the curves of their voluptuous bottom.
8. Grabbing any body parts, including your own
Best to keep your hands to yourself at the party. Maybe keep one on your beverage and the other on an hors d'oeuvre. The company holiday party is also not the time to do your Michael Jackson imitation where you moonwalk while grabbing your junk. Aside from the fact that no one ever understood why Michael Jackson grabbed his crotch so often when he was singing, people really don't like watching other people do this. Just wait until you get home.
9. Revealing your secret office crush to your secret office crush
No good comes from telling your office crush that you have a thing for her. That just gets awkward really fast. Especially if you develop a different office crush next week. Best to just keep it to yourself.
10. Being completely honest about anything
For the love of everything true, do not let the eggnog go to your head and delude you into believing that honesty is the best policy. Honesty will get you fired. Honesty is the enemy of continued employment.
So, by way of review, the only safe way to get through the office party this year will be to keep one hand on your beverage and one hand on some food and preferably chew the food and nod your head occasionally throughout the entire party so you don't say anything wrong.
Or just stay home. That works, too.