POST 50

10 Things Every Middle-Aged Person Should Have In Their Bathroom

Bathrooms are our special places. Make sure yours is equipped befittingly.

 

It's been said that the only time the world beats a path to your door is when you are in the bathroom. Bathrooms are our special places. Here's a list of the 10 things your bathroom should have by the time you have reached middle age.

1. A really nice shower in which you can re-script your last argument.

Showers exist for many purposes, cleansing yourself being just one of them. They are also the best place to replay fights in your head. Showers are the stage for all your "I should have saids." In the shower, you always get the last word. In the shower, no one answers you back. In the shower, you can stop yourself from going too far or empower yourself to just put it all on the table. You can be biting sharp, calmly cool, or cuss like a drunken sailor. When you talk to yourself in the shower, no one else can hear you. Often, that's a very good thing.

2. A soaking tub behind a door that locks.

While showers are for anger and tears, baths are restorative for the kinder, gentler you. Besides, you can't hold a glass of wine in the shower or surround yourself with candles. You feel me?

3. A drawer for all the creams that didn't work.

By the time you are middle age, you likely will have a collection of lotions and potions that were purchased in a flight of fancy. Our 40s are spent believing that the fountain of youth can be packaged in a tube. Some of these products never worked, some of them worked for awhile. The point is: You will have a ton of products.

Eventually we all learn that the best way to stop wrinkles from bothering us is to stop looking in the mirror. But until we accept that truth, we will heed the advice of the snake oil salesmen. The beauty of shoveling the proof of our gullibility into a bathroom drawer is that you have a convenient reminder of what really isn't important. It's all there.

4. A sleep aid that you don't use.

Babies have pacifiers, toddlers have blankies, and boomers have sleep aids. Consider yours a "just in case" measure and don't use it. Just having it in your bathroom will give you the comforting knowledge that it's there if you really really need it -- and often, that's enough. 

Sleep is vital. Without it, we don't function. Sleeplessness is the devil in our post-50 lives. But there are better ways to catch your ZZZZs than prescription sleep aids, many of which are addictive, hard on your body, and don't mix well with alcohol or other medications.

5. A magnifying mirror.

As we age, our eyes fail us. All that stands between you and your becoming known as the lady with the crazy eyeliner all over her face is a big old lit magnifying makeup mirror. This is a lifetime investment, so don't be afraid to loosen the purse strings and buy a good one. If you can't see your eyelids without your glasses, back away slowly from the makeup bag and don't return until you have your mirror.

A magnifying mirror also comes in handy when you want to tweeze away those new-growth hairs on your chin. God bless hormones.

 6. A serious toenail clipper.

In your 20s, you may have been able to get by between pedicures with a dainty little clipper to touch up your rough edges. But by around age 55, you will develop a new understanding -- and yes, appreciation -- for the Hulk Hogan version of the simple toenail clipper tool. About half of the population has nail fungus by the time they reach age 70. Nail fungus causes your nails to grow thick. Along with the serious toenail clipper, you may want to add a serious callous filer and a serious foot deodorant. A well-stocked bathroom has all three.

7. Vaseline (must we spell it out for you?).

Vaseline is the post-50's bathroom basic, the go-to player for a multitude of sins. It is great for chapped lips, dry skin patches and cracked skin on elbows. What did you think we meant?
 
8. Teeth-whitening toothpaste and a WaterPik.
At some point, those 40+ years of coffee-drinking stains are going to cause your teeth to look discolored. Dental whitening procedures at the dentist's office are great, but don't come cheap. Many will discover that a do-it-yourself teeth-whitening kit works just fine.
 
While you're at it, though, invest in a good toothbrush too, something that will address your gum health. We're kind of partial to the recent crop of brushes that are water-flossers.
 
9. Panty liners once you discard the tampons.
 
One of the unpretty truths about menopause is that bladder control problems can be a common complication. The truth is that women of all ages have urine leakage. Men leak urine too, but the problem is more common in women. Many women leak when they laugh, cough, sneeze or exercise. Wearing a panty liner becomes a no-big-deal thing.
 
10. A good reading light in the john.
 
Because in middle age, man caves relocate.
 

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