Cady. Regina. Gretchen. Karen.
We all know who they are.
But that was, like, 11 years ago. (I know, right? So last season.) Now, The Plastics are old enough to have squeezed out a few babies, bought Escalades and signed up for personal trainers while the kids are with the nanny.
Even though they're no longer the Queen Bees of North Shore High School, their words live on. And you know what?
They totally apply to motherhood.
1. "The limit does not exist."
Oh, you're tired? You've been up for two days straight and all the kids have stomach flu? What's that, you've reached your limit? HA! This is motherhood. "The limit" does not exist.
2. "It's like I have ESPN or something."
I can't tell the weather with my boobs, but I totally know that my kid is pooping by the way he is frozen in the corner, hiding behind a bookshelf. And I know when he needs a nap when he's screaming bloody murder while rolling around on the playground. It's like I have ESPN or something.
3. "You can't just ask someone why they're white."
There's more than one way to skin a cat and more than one way to start a family. Stop asking crazy questions.
4. "Don't have sex. You will get pregnant and die."
Pretty much.
5. "I can't help that I've got a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina."
Disgusting things happen. Thank you, childbirth.
6. "Did you see nipple? It only counts if you saw nipple!"
This is actually, literally Facebook's breastfeeding picture policy. Did you see nipple? Then you can't report me. HAHAHAHA!!!!
7. "Whatever, I'm getting cheese fries."
I usually give my kids organic homegrown everything from a juicer. I swear. (I'm lying.)
8. "I like invented her, you know what I mean?!"
That's right. I birthed that little punk, so she better get in line. I brought her into this world...
9. "I used to just think there was fat and skinny. But apparently, there are lots of things that can be wrong with your body."
Chin hairs, stretch marks, bladder leakage. Who cares about baby weight, I feel like Shrek!
10. "I'm a cool mom."
Wait, this doesn't apply. Cool Mom isn't even a thing... In fact, it's a total oxymoron.
***
Oh, you thought you were done with Mean Girls? Think again. Motherhood is its own high school lunchroom, and equally hard to navigate. The good news is when you become a mom, you are automatically upgraded to Queen Bee. (The kids are just our little workers). So hop in, biotch. We are going to the playground. And by the way...
On Wednesdays, we wear pink.
This post originally appeared on Mom Babble.
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