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10 Tips for a Crappy Day

Are you craving one of those days when everything goes wrong? The kind of day that gives you license to wallow in misery and rail at the unfairness of the world? No problem. I've got you covered with ten tips for a surefire lousy day.
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Are you craving one of those days when everything goes wrong? The kind of day that gives you license to wallow in misery and rail at the unfairness of the world? No problem. I've got you covered with ten tips for a surefire lousy day.

1. Oversleep.

Starting your day behind, from the moment you wake up, is the perfect way to kick off a lousy day. So turn that alarm off and let your kids, dog or boss get you up when they are ready, so that you can start the day dealing with other people's needs and demands without ever having a moment to breathe deeply and prepare for the day.

2. Speaking of Sleep, Be Sure you Don't Get Enough.

Not getting enough sleep will make several contributions to your lousy day. It will make it more likely that you oversleep (see number 1) and can almost guarantee that you'll be dragging and even crankier by 3:00 p.m. So stay up late watching TV, checking Facebook or fretting about the day to come.

3. Eat Crappy Food.

The crappier the better. Put white sugar and processed carbs at the top of your food pyramid. I'm talking about eating a chocolate chip muffin for breakfast, a Happy Meal for lunch and wash it all down with a Coke or three. That way, if the lack of sleep doesn't deliver a miserable 3:00 crash, your diet will. And it will set up a wonderful lousy-day rollercoaster of sugar highs and lows.

4. Run Out of Coffee, or Tea, or Dog Food, or Diapers.

You know those things that you absolutely must have each day? Ignore them and run out. This will require a panicked morning run to the grocery store, fun, fun, fun!

5. Practice Impatience.

That mom with the 3-year-old twins making you wait in the check-out line to pay for that 15-pound bag of dog food? Totally her fault. Really, who would take 3-year-old twins to the grocery store? Give her every snide look you can and try a judgy eye roll for good measure. I mean, your kids never acted up at the grocery store. Never.

6. Spend A LOT of Time on Social Media.

Look up your high school nemesis and devote at least 20 minutes to checking out her huge house, handsome husband, gorgeous kids and recent Caribbean vacation. Yup, her life is perfect while yours is cobbled together with good hair days and bad hair days. But hey, today sucks, so have at it.

7. Pick a Fight.

Pick a fight with your spouse or, better yet, your mother. Remember, it's the principle of the thing and it is critical that they admit that you are right and they are wrong. I mean, you asked your mother not to give the kids white bread, didn't you? And when she gave them those turkey sandwiches for lunch, she was clearly trying to undermine your parenting. Again. So what if they were hungry and she was doing the best she could -- you said no white bread!

8. Procrastinate.

Those things you really don't like to do? Put them off as long as possible. Sure, they will hang over your head and grow larger and larger the longer you put them off. And sure, you could probably just confront the task and resolve it, but then you'd feel better and that's not the goal here, right?

9. Focus on the Negative.

There are great things in your life. People you love and who love you, perhaps a home that is comfortable or work that is satisfying. A dog who licks your face when you come home or the freedom to stock your fridge with your favorite flavor of ice cream. We all have some good in our lives, but you can choose to focus on the negative. All the things you don't have. All the things that could be better. Go back and look at all of the decisions you've made in your life and speculate about all the ways your life would be different -- no better -- had you made different choices. See? Doesn't that feel lousy?

10. Don't Help. Anyone.

Lending a hand and doing something kind for someone else is a proven way to make yourself feel better, so under no circumstances are you to help anyone today. Focus entirely on yourself.

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Simple steps to misery. What? You've changed your mind? You'd rather have a good day? You'd prefer to make a positive contribution to the world around you? You are over that fleeting desire to wallow? Excellent. Just reverse all of the above.