The New York Times Magazine recently posed this question to the public via Twitter:
As you can see, 42 percent answered "yes." We have chosen to contact you because you are one of those 42 percent. New highly secret NSA intelligence-gathering techniques and advanced data analysis of all of your social media timelines has further enabled us to determine that you are the perfect candidate to travel back in time to the late 19th century and kill "Baby" Hitler. Congratulations!
Thanks to new technology, developed by our friends over at Apple, which allows us to manipulate the space-time continuum, we will be able to send you back to accomplish your mission, today, as soon as you finish your coffee.
The good news is you'll get the most-advanced smartwatch on the market. You wouldn't believe what this thing can do! Project high-definition movies and holograms, open locked doors, detect lies, resolve a wearer's childhood trauma with the simple push of a button, and, of course, transport you into the past to kill an infant version of the most evil fascist dictator of all time.
The bad news is you've got one shot and the battery isn't really the greatest. So unless you can figure out a way to efficiently charge it up in 1890, you've got to get in and get out, unless you're particularly fond of bratwurst, Hefeweizen and megalomaniacal, Jew-hating despots rising to power during the Great Depression.
In order to help you efficiently accomplish your mission and get back in time to watch the latest episode of The Walking Dead, we have compiled a list of 5 Tips for Killing Baby Hitler.
- Pack Light We can't even begin to tell you how many time-traveling toddler assassinations have gone awry because some schmuck decided to overpack, putting undue stress on the transportation mechanism, and causing a malfunction sending them into prehistoric times to get gored by a wooly mammoth instead of heroically stopping an egregious genocide. Seriously, we can't tell you. It's classified. The point is this isn't the TARDIS. There is no room. It's just you, so only pack what you can carry. (Also, no plastics, liquids or anything containing gluten unless you want to end up looking like that inside-out baboon from David Cronenberg's The Fly.)
Don't Tell Anyone It should go without saying that this is a highly classified mission and you shouldn't tell any friends or family. That also means no tweets, Facebook status updates, Vines or Snapchats hinting at your objective. And don't even think of posting any ironic Instagram pictures of a baby doll with a toothbrush mustache and a toy gun to its head. There are diabolical forces working against us monitoring your every move, so better safe than sorry. Stop Thinking of Him as Baby Hitler Recent research has shown us that most people love babies (except for psychopaths, which we know you aren't since you cried while watching the first 10 minutes of Up). This presents a problem since you probably wouldn't even want to hurt one's feelings, let alone slit its throat with a machete, blow its brains out with a Mauser or strangle it with a Schimmel grand piano wire. In order to disassociate from such human hangups, we think its best for you to stop thinking of your target as Baby Hitler. Some helpful alternatives might be: Der Little Führer, Satanic Benjamin Button or Great, Great Grandfather of All Kardashians. Don't be a Pussy If you were brave enough to anonymously affirm that you would commit infanticide to prevent one of the world's most horrifying tragedies from occurring, via a question tweeted out to drum up controversy in the hopes of attracting younger viewers to the online presence of one of the last dying dinosaurs of print journalism, then you should be brave enough to follow through and save 6 million innocent souls. Your dad is always berating you for not finishing what you started. Prove him wrong! (Also, our adversaries are closing in and will most likely slowly torture and mutilate you for information if you don't alter history to eradicate their existence.) Have Fun Murdering a most innocent form of human life doesn't have to be as dour and depressing as a Bon Iver album. Have a good time with it! This is Hitler you're ridding the world of after all. It doesn't have to be all doom and gloom. Reenact your favorite scene from Inglourious Basterds. Spike him like a football at a goal post and do a touchdown dance. You can even throw him high up in the air, like in that old Bugs Bunny cartoon, and say, "Oh dear, I do believe I have forgotten my fudge," as you walk away in the opposite direction. The possibilities are endless.
Read More of Warren's Writing at ContraryToPopularOpinion.com.