When I was a young teacher, I had an older colleague who was a guidance counselor. And since I was newly married, one day, she sat me down and gave me some sage advice. She said, "never have secrets from your husband. Always tell him everything first so that no one can ever tell him anything... last."
One of the greatest gifts a wife can give her husband is to be her authentic self. And though it always feels risky to be the real you, under all circumstances, it is the only way to find real intimacy.
Emotions are complicated and messy, so it is important to simplify your interactions with the one you love. Here are some rules to follow that can help you make him happy.
1.Know yourself by recognizing and acknowledging what is really happening in your relationship, as opposed to what you're projecting into your relationship. Don't second guess your mate. If he tells you he loves you, believe him. And, by all means, don't tell him what he wants, but rather listen actively, paying attention to not only what he thinks, but how he feels.
2.Know your spouse and be sensitive to his history. When a relationship becomes discordant, it is important to say to yourself, "Knowing his history, I understand why such and such is or is not a good idea." This is a very intimate way to appreciate and respect your spouse for who he is, rather than a projection of who you either want or need him to be.
3.Never divulge your partner's confidences... never. Men hate to be discussed with other people and take it as a betrayal to hear their emotional and physical life bandied about socially. Never discuss your sex life with your friends. Of all the "nevers," this is the biggest one. You're building a special relationship with your mate, one that's set apart from all others in commitment, obligation, responsibility, and intimacy, and you should be able to be trusted and counted on. Remember: trust is based on experience, so if you let him down once, he may never trust you again.
4.Never pressure your spouse. Men hate to be pressured. Many situations would be easily accommodated if pressure wasn't applied.
5.Put him first. Whether married or not, whether you have children or not, your spouse must come first... always. He needs to be secure in the fact that the head on the pillow next to him is in his court, right or wrong. Men look at things in a very concrete manner, and if you put friends, children, and career above him, it won't be long before you don't have him.
6.Never use sex as a weapon or a manipulation to get what you want. Men hate to be controlled or manipulated in any way, as they were as children by mom and dad. If your partner starts to think of you as his "mother," you won't have to withhold physical affection, because it will be gone.
7.Don't make decisions unilaterally. The key to a relationship is mutuality. It tells your spouse that you're invested in him and that you value his thoughts and feelings. If you give your spouse the message that he's "less than," he will look for someone else who will support him and make him feel strong.
8.Don't be critical. It's important not to treat your mate like your child. Don't tell him what to wear, how to cut his hair, or what to say and do. This only serves to engender low self-esteem, and people who feel insecure and impotent may find negative ways to act out.
9.Be honest in your day-to-day relationship. If you have a budget, keep it. If you have gone over it, tell him. Don't maneuver, lie, or hide anything. Whatever it is, you can work it out together.
10.Tell him you love. In every way, every day, let him know that he's your intimate partner, your one and only. These simple words, spoken often and with feeling, will help you weather any storm, and keep you just where you want to be... in each other's arms.
However, if problems arise, use my empathic process to help you reinstate your relationship, without defense. This approach can help you and your spouse problem-solve in a way that invests you both in the process. Then, rather than diminishing you or your partner - who's right, who's wrong - you have an opportunity to work together, mutually, and to communicate in a positive way.
By asking your spouse what you can do to make things better, you reinforce the value you place on your commitment to him. And when words fail, write a love letter that you share in an intimate setting, with focused attention. This will allow you to express the sentiments that are difficult to communicate, and will give your mate a chance to reread your thoughts and feelings again and again. Be descriptive so that you can take him along on the wave of your emotions. This is how you build intimacy, and this is how you can make him happy.
Be sure to also read my blog post: 10 Ways to Make Her Happy.