The Commitment Phobe comes in all races, shapes, sizes, professions and ethnicities. He can cleverly disguise himself as a romantic, a gentleman, a prince or a die-hard cheerleader of Team You! Not only does this pose a difficult problem for women everywhere looking for Mr. Right, but this guy is the most confused of all because the Commitment Phobe truly wants one thing - to be able to commit.
His counterpart, the Love Addict, is not pathetic, weak or waning. She is not the wallflower waiting to be asked to dance. Rather, she can be spotted for her strength, honesty and secret addiction to love. She is a woman of analytical sorts, distrusting and calculating in her romantic relationships. Not altogether dissimilar to the Codependent, the Love Addict fears abandonment and will hold on to men who appear to offer her the love she lacks for herself.
It may come as a surprise that the Commitment Phobe is not evil. This man may have issues, but he is not the worst of the bunch. However, I strongly believe that staying with a Commitment Phobe out of pity for his inner struggles is a recipe for unhappiness, especially when his struggles are pointed directly at you! Having compassion for him is one thing, but taking on his drama as a second job with little to no pay can be a real dead end.
If the Love Addict and the Commitment Phobe are equally dedicated to resolving their own personal issues of abandonment and intimacy and want to support each other on the journey toward recovery, then there is hope for the relationship. In the meantime, spotting a Commitment Phobe is not as hard as it may seem. Here are some telltale sigs he could be struggling with commitment:
1. Always looking around the corner for the better option.
2. Avoids labeling the relationship as much as possible.
3. Trouble dealing with feelings from the past.
4. Blaming others for his problems.
5. Difficulty keeping his word and integrity.
6. Comes in and out.
7. Uninterested in sex after a short time.
8. Anxiety about having made the wrong choices and difficulty with upcoming decisions.
9. Problems trusting himself and often feeling he has no control.
10. Disappearing from the relationship.
The Commitment Phobe can have a serious wake up call if a Love Addict abandons him. In fact, sometimes it can be his only wake up call. He may come back genuinely willing to change. But beware, when the Commitment Phobe re-enters the push/pull relationship, he always comes with promises...keeping them is another story.
While working through the relationship with a Commitment Phobe, the Love Addict needs to be careful that she is still not influenced by his moods, making her vulnerable and still subject to his behaviors. The Love Addict has to get her own life together with or without the Commitment Phobe. No one should be held to a higher importance over you. We cannot emotionally and spiritually afford to stand by a man who is perpetually on the fence about whether or not he wants to be with us.
When the Commitment Phobe feels close to the Love Addict, he will move to sabotage any intimacy that was just created. The closer he gets to you, the more he will pull away. In the end, the Commitment Phobe's feelings of enmeshment cause him to simultaneously sabotage the relationship, putting even his own happiness in harms way.
This magnetic twosome loves a challenge and thrives on drama. If you want to make this relationship work, be prepared to put up a fight and be unwilling to back down. In the end, it may be simpler to just find a new man.
UPCOMING WORKSHOPS:
UNDERSTANDING THE COMMITMENT PHOBE
Thursday 19TH May, 2016
Park Plaza Sherlock Holmes108 Baker StreetLondon, W1U 6LJUnited Kingdom
18:30 to 21:00hrs
Cost: £35
Tickets at www.eventbrite.com
Limited seats available
For more information visit www.emilywilcox.net