I come from a highly political family. When I was a kid growing up in the 90s, my parents might as well have had a framed photograph of your husband hanging in our house. We didn’t. But my parent’s love for him ran deep, especially my dad. I remember my one friend whose parents were Republicans told me during the 1996 election that his parents said that Bob Dole was going to win in your husband’s battle for reelection. Being eight years old, and having none of my own opinions about politics, just a fear of change as your husband was the only President I ever really knew, I sought reassurance that indeed he would be reelected. My parents told me yes and I went on my merry way.
Over your husband’s second term, I began to become politically aware on my own, and I found myself more taken with you than I was with your husband. My mom is a wonderful example of a strong woman, and at a young age, in real time, I saw someone challenge expectations of who she had to be, and also confront the challenges of trying to have a career as well as raise three kids. While I didn’t know what being transgender was back then, in retrospect, I see that I was always hungering for strong female role-models. You immediately became one for me.
Many millennials don’t remember, you were the feminist icon in politics. Again and again, you were forced to defend your right to pursue your own career while your husband was Governor of Arkansas. You were excoriated by the press for moving your office as First Lady to the West Wing. When you took on Health Care, people shouted ‘how dare she.’ Never mind the fact that you’re ivy league educated, worked on the Watergate trial, that you were the first ever female partner at the Rose Law Firm, and that you reformed education in Arkansas. To many back then, a wife’s place was still standing behind her husband, not by his side or God forbid, in front. You knew this, and you didn’t care. Even after the health care bill failed, you got right back up and ensured the passage of the CHIP program.
You blazed a path as a woman with power that no other in your position had done. Many millennials also don’t remember that the building of the ‘negative-perception’ of you began in, and was perpetuated by, sexism, misogyny and discomfort with the idea of a woman holding such a place of power during your husband’s presidency. However, what I saw in you, as many women did in the 90s, was someone to aspire to be like. As we learned in this last election, nasty women get the job done, and back in the 90s, you were the nastiest. When your husband’s second term began to draw to a close, and whispers began to grow that you may run for the Senate, I was particularly excited. I loved seeing this strong powerful woman claim her rightful place as a politician in her own right, and as my own Senator no less.
Around this time, bullying for me was really bad. Other kids noticed my femininity. I had few friends and being called ‘faggot’ was a daily occurrence. I began to become aware that I was indeed getting crushes on boys in my grade rather than the girls. I didn’t know at the time what trans meant, though my gender identity as a woman was becoming quite clear by then as well. I felt extremely unmoored socially. Then 9/11 happened. While that day was a loss of innocence for all Americans, being only twelve years old and being a New Yorker, I felt it particularly acutely. I became terrified in the aftermath as my mom went to work in Manhattan a few days a week during the ongoing anthrax scare. However, one of the primary things that made me feel safe, was you. In the immediate aftermath of 9/11, you went to the mat demanding funding for the rebuilding effort. You were down at ground zero. You were personally paying visits to victims families and to those in hospitals. I know because I know some of those you helped personally. It felt like you had New York’s back. During this loss of innocence, you were one of the anchors helping to make me feel safe.
I remember watching as you kept your nose to the grindstone, did the hard work, built your resume, and learned how to play the game as a woman in a men’s space. I remember how in 2004, there were rumors that you were going to throw your hat in the ring for the Democratic nomination. I had hoped you would, but understood that you felt it wasn’t the right time. When you threw your hat in the ring in 2008, I immediately signed up to volunteer. After that bruising primary, I licked my wounds and went to work for President Obama, never abandoning hope that one day I would get to call you Madam President. At the time, our international standing was in the gutter. Our economy was crashing. The past eight years had felt like utter chaos. When it was announced that you were President Obama’s pick for Secretary of State, I was thrilled. I knew that you would take the strong steady leadership that you exhibited on behalf of the State of New York, and bring that to the State Department. I knew that you would help to restore the respect of our country around the world. I was also an International Relations student at the New School at the time and wrote many a paper on the goings on at the State Department, following your tenure with much joy.
I had come out as gay in high school, all the while knowing that it was not the whole story. It was around this time that I finally started to come to terms with being transgender. This was just barely before Laverne Cox exploded into the national consciousness and trans issues came front and center. After feeling personally attacked by the previous administration, who was openly hostile to my rights and my humanity, watching you go to Geneva, and echoing your Beijing speech, declare that human rights are LGBT rights and LGBT rights are human rights, was one of the most cathartic moments of my entire life. That meant more to me than you can ever know. Also thanks to changes you made at the State Department, I was able to change my name and gender marker on my passport with ease, making my travels in and out of the country free of discomfort and fear of constantly needing to explain to customs agents why my passport doesn’t match my presentation. Once again, in a time where I was feeling unmoored, your compassion and dedication to perfecting our union as a country made me feel more secure.
I had hoped that you would make another run for the presidency in 2016, and when you did, I could not have been happier. People also forget that at the time you left the State Department, you had the highest approval rating of any politician in the entire country. People were openly musing that President Obama should replace Biden on the ticket in his reelection bid with you because having you on the ticket would help boost him enough to get him to victory in 2012. The Republicans were terrified of you mounting a bid for the Presidency again. They thought someone so beloved with an above 60% approval rating would be nearly impossible to beat. Then once you announced, they once again revved their propaganda machine into full gear. But this time the target wasn’t just to drive hate on the Republican side, it was to foster division within the Democratic camp. I watched with great sadness as much of the thoroughly debunked stuff from the nineties began to have a resurgence on the left among Sanders supporters. I was saddened by the lack of awareness of all you had done for this country, and that much of the image that these young Sanders supporters were buying into was built by the other side.
I can’t help but feel like we failed you. You did everything you were supposed to do. You played the long game. You fought for the little guy your entire career. You played by the rules of men and got ahead like no woman in politics before you had. I firmly believe that there would be no Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, Tammy Duckworth, Amy Klobuchar etc. if you had not blazed a path for them. People don’t remember that when you took the oath of office, there were only thirteen women in the Senate serving beside you, and even fewer as high profile as you were. You deserved to be our nation’s first female President. And even more than that, you deserved to be President, period. I still believe that you would have not only gone down in history as being the first, but that you would have been one of the greats to hold that office. Your attention to detail, your ability to see nuance, and your ability to synthesize vast amounts of knowledge into public policy would have proven to create one of the most effective administrations in our history. As a woman, seeing the trope of an extremely qualified woman being beaten out by a completely unqualified and uniquely misogynistic man played on a national stage was highly upsetting and highlighted how much work this country still has to do for greater gender equality.
Once again, the country is unmoored. Once again, as a young trans-woman, my place in this country is not secure, and for the first time, I do not have you to look to everyday as an anchor. But I now have that strength myself, in part because you provided an example for me for the past twenty years of my life. The day after the election, I felt unbearable fear. I am pursuing a public career in the arts. I also do LGBT advocacy. All I wanted to do was scrub all references to me being trans off of the internet, move somewhere where no one knew me, and disappear into some kind of safety. But then I’d think of you and your resilience in the face of adversity. I had been planning on getting my first tattoo for quite some time but didn’t know what to get. After the election I knew. On my arm, I tattooed the words “Fear is always with us, but we just don’t have time for it. Not now.” Those words that you spoke all those decades ago still have such resonance today. One day I hope I can show it to you in person.
While I certainly understand laying low after this election, please know that for me, and I know many others, your voice still matters, your opinion still has weight, and you are still a political icon of immense stature. Your life and career still inspire women all over the globe. Your return to the stage in any form, when your ready, will be a sight for sore eyes. Thank you Hillary for everything you have done for this country and for me. Thank you for blazing a path for those who will come after you. Thank you for showing millions of women around the world that they have power and agency. It still hurts that I will never get to call you Madam President, but you will always hold a special place in my heart.