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11 Reasons Why I Hate Art Projects

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Let me just start by saying I hate art projects. Anything that has to do with glitter, glue, scalloped scissors, paint, oil pastels, construction paper, yarn, fabric scraps and colored chalk, sends my anxiety into overdrive. I would rather lick the door handle in a public bathroom than have to make something presentable out of those items. By the way, the licking of the door handle comes from my 5 year old son who made out with one at a rest stop.

According to my daughter, I am the only mom who did not volunteer in the classroom last year. Not wanting to endure another year of gossip about my lack of involvement, I decided to make this the year that I volunteer. In anticipation of this glorious event, I crossed off my calendar at work and contacted her teacher. The next day, I received an email with the dates and time to show up. Feeling like I finally have my shit together with this mom gig, I send my cursor to the little trash can. As I'm about to delete the email, I notice the subject line. Thursday Art Projects. Are you kidding me?? You want me to do art. I can teach those little booger eaters how to read. Please, don't make me do art. I hate art.

Realizing I am committed, I march my DIY meets WTF attitude into the classroom. Upon entering the land of the littles, I immediately start to sweat. My hands are clammy, my heart is racing and I'm trying to find any excuse to go to the bathroom and hide. Of course, she is there. Who invited her? You know, the mom who was born to do these things. She has her own Pinterest page dedicated to all of her original DIY work. Great, another reminder that I suck at this stuff.

The kids are waiting patiently for me. Riddled with excitement, there are 48 eyeballs pleading with me to lead them to eternal bliss in craft land. I can't let on that I am secretly terrified. Hanging on my every word (oh wait, I haven't spoken yet because I am freaking out in my head), they wait for me to demonstrate my masterpiece. I can't back out now. My daughter already thinks I'm lame, so what do I have to lose! It's time to get to work and embrace the eleven reasons I hate art projects.

  1. I can't follow instructions.

  • I can't make sense of those Kids Giant Art Jars. You know, the ones that come with 500 different pieces and NO ideas.
  • I have PTSD from my 7th grade art teacher declaring in front of the entire class that "an artist you are not."
  • No one does paint by number anymore.
  • I can never get the tip of the glitter glue cut right. It's always too wide and squirts all over the place.
  • I can't even get past #1 of the Chinese Lantern instructions. It says to fold the paper length-wise. I fold it width-wise and the whole damn thing is messed up.
  • I always seem to get matched up with the kid who thinks the glue is finger paint and my shirt is a towel. Did I mention that I also caught him with his fingers up his nose before he wiped them on me?
  • Popsicle sticks, pipe cleaners and cotton balls. What do I even do with these things? Frustrated with my lack of creativity, I decide to borrow glue boy and shove the Popsicle sticks in his mouth, jam the cotton balls in his ears, and wrap the pipe cleaners around his writs like handcuffs. Genius!! Now he can't talk, hear, or use his hands to wipe glue on me.
  • Foam stickers. I bite my nails, so there is NO way I am ever getting that thin layer of paper off. It's always a treat to watch little kids get really close to my fingers trying to see if I can get it off. This might be an appropriate time to say sorry to the parents who don't use bad language. I almost ALWAYS say some colorful words when I am trying to pull these suckers off.
  • Finding glitter in places that is nowhere near where the project was done.
  • Beads. Everywhere. I hate stepping on them, vacuuming them up, and jamming my finger in my cat's mouth to dig them out.
  • I did survive art day. In fact, I'm pretty proud of the masterpieces produced in that room. I left that day with glue in my hair, glitter on my butt, and lots of great memories from some amazing kids. Do I still suck at this stuff? Pretty sure most people would say YES, but I don't care.