11 Takeaways From the 1st GOP Debate

11. "When you find mush, you push" is a belief shared by both Scott Walker and Vladimir Putin, but it's not nearly as grossly sexual as you're thinking.

10. One time back in the 2000s, one of Donald Trump's friends got pregnant and wanted to abort the child, but then she decided not to. She told Donald, "Hey, Donald, don't tell anyone about how I was going to abort this child." He said okay and now the child has grown up to be a great person. This is the true story of how Donald Trump became pro-life.

8. When someone points a gun at your head and loads it, by God, you ought to take them seriously. This is simply a quotation from Mike Huckabee.

7. We can fix entitlements by finally forcing illegals, prostitutes, pimps and drug dealers to pay their fair share of sex and drug money to the government.

6. John Kasich may not be the sexiest candidate and he may suffer from a lack of fresh ideas and he may not be the right man to lead the country, but his father being a mailman is one thing you can never take away from John Kasich.

5. The problems in Iraq today in no way stem from our invading it. They stem from President Barack Obama abandoning Iraq when we were this close to winning. Given, say, 2-3 more months in country, Iraq would essentially be the Disneyland of the Middle East.

4. We need to build a border fence with Mexico. Now no one is suggesting we electrify the fence--that would be ridiculous--but what we do need to worry about is the prospect that Joaquin 'El Chapo' Guzman may build a tunnel under it. Donald Trump also noted that the fence should have a door. #Obvi.

3. The NWA biopic is coming out this week! Get your tickets now.

2. 9/11 happened. And Chris Christie is the Governor of New Jersey. Coincidence?

1. We're only 1.5 years away from election day, and we still don't know where any of the candidates stand on gay abortion.