By some estimates, over half of the Internet is now used for lists of things not to say to people. 9 Things Not to Say to a Stay-at-Home Mom (Woman's Day), 13 Things You Should Never Say to a Working Mom (HLNtv), 10 Things Never to Say to a Formula-Feeding Mom (The Stir), 19 Things NOT to Say to Someone When They Come Out to You (Buzzfeed), 14 Things You Should Never Say to a Latina (Cosmo), 10 Things You Should Never Say to a Deaf Person (Becoming Deaf)... although, actually, that seems like a problem that solves itself. Other lists I'm not making up: 10 Things Never to Say to Childless Friends, 10 Things NEVER to Say to a Black Coworker, 10 Things Dog Owners Should Never Say to Runners and 12 Things Not to Say to a 30-Something Single Arab Woman (albawaba).
But what about me? I can't be the only person who's sick and tired of all the insensitive, tone-deaf, clichéd things clueless people say to you when your head's been sheared off by a sheet of glass.
1) "Oh my God. Your head's been sheared off by a sheet of glass." You think I don't know that? Ever since my head was sheared off by a sheet of glass, I've been living with it. Every day. You don't have to find my head and rub my nose in it.
2) "Oh, I feel so sorry for you, getting your head sheared off like that." Your pity is useless to me. What I could really use is some one to reattach my head.
3) "Why didn't you duck when you saw that sheet of glass coming?" I know, it's hard to believe, but people really say that to me. Like I deliberately drove behind that delivery truck carrying that stack of large, unsecured sheets of glass. I know you don't mean any harm. Sometimes I wish you could just hear yourselves.
4) "Is it 'decapitated' or 'disembodied'? I always get those two mixed up." I hate to burst your bubble, but I'm not a dictionary. I'm just a guy who got his head sheared off by a sheet of glass.
5) "You must save a lot of money on haircuts and razors." One, my hair continues to grow, just like every other dead person after they die. Two, the savings would hardly make up for what I've gone through, having my head violently removed, in a grotesque freak traffic accident. Again, I don't think the people who say these things are bad; they're just not thinking.
6) "When you stand up quickly, where does all the blood rush?" It rushes out of my neck, okay? Are you happy?
7) "One time at the airport I spent like sixty bucks on noise-cancelling headphones, and they turned out to be nothing but a piece of junk." Seriously, I don't even know why you're telling me this. Oh, wait, it's because you have a head and I don't. I should have got that.
8) "Did you ever see The Omen? There's that scene where David Warner gets his head sheared off by a sheet of glass." Thanks for spoiling The Omen.
9) "I'm still trying to figure out how that sheet of glass came off the truck and into your car and sheared your head off. I mean, don't you have a windshield?" Are you calling me a liar?
10) "No, I'm just trying to picture it, that's all." Would you say this to a mixed-race couple? Or a bald man? Or an older woman with a baby? No, you wouldn't. You'd think first. Why can't I get the same respect as anyone else who never got to go to the prom, but then, years later, won a little money playing their scratchers, and rented a limo, and stuck their head out of the moon roof, and then the limo driver turned around to tell them to knock it off, and they rear ended a glass truck? Why is that so difficult to understand?
11) "Your profile on OKCupid said you were taller." Well, I was taller. And everyone lies about their height on OkCupid. You're supposed to take that into account.