Who says you have to have disposable income to enjoy the finer things in life? Contrary to popular belief, you can have it all. Here are 12 quick and easy things you can do around the house to live the life of luxury you daydream about while warming up your lunch (read as: Lean Cuisine) without burning a hole in your wallet.
PUTTING YOUR BATH PRODUCTS IN ELEGANT BOTTLES
Think twice before throwing away that empty bottle of ketchup! Items like these can be repurposed and used to store things like your conditioner and facial cleanser. No one will know you spent 99 cents on a bottle of drugstore shampoo if you put it in an empty jar of mayo! For added refinement, tear the Hellmann’s label off of the jar.
D.I.Y POTPOURRI
Having potpourri in your home is a great way to tell everyone you use “summer” as a verb. But having an aromatically desirable house does not require going to Pier 1 Imports and receiving a text from your bank notifying you that your balance has dropped below $25 all because you dropped some serious dough on Island Orchard potpourri. Just fill a bowl with crushed up plain, red, and black tortilla chips, and simply spray some Febreeze. Set the bowl(s) in whichever room(s) your lil’ heart desires! Take a deep breath and enjoy!
LUXURY CANDLES
Why pay $64 for a candle from Diptyque Paris when you can just ask Rihanna to spit in a shotglass and put a wick in it? No-brainer! SEE HOW EASY THIS IS.
INSTALLING A (CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP!) KITCHEN ISLAND
Live your Big Little Lies fantasy! You may wonder how you’re supposed to make a gigantic block of marble materialize in the middle of your kitchen/kitchen-living room/whatever room in your $900/month Bed-Stuy apartment your kitchen is an amalgam of, but it’s more simple than one may think! Just have your roommate bend over and throw a festive tablecloth over them; garnish as you see fit (suggestions: a cruet filled with extra virgin olive oil or a vase filled with intensely hued marbles) -- it’s all about creating an illusion! A similar approach can also be used to create your very own at-home library. Simply put a stack of books on top of your fridge and substitute the rolling ladder with a stepping-stool and voilà!
FANCY WHITE DAD GADGETS AND GIZMOS
Anything at Brookstone can be recreated with some creativity and a little expired Ambien!
MULTIPLE BATHROOMS
Nothing -- and I repeat nothing -- is more glamorous than having MORE THAN ONE BATHROOM. Your apartment may have been originally listed as having “one bathroom,” but with a little out-of-the-box thinking and elbow-grease, you can turn your three-bedroom, one-bath apartment into a Nantucket summer home by adding an extra bathroom. Section off an area of your living room or kitchen with a room-divider (for embellished effect, use an oriental-style four-panel room divider) and set your largest pot on the floor and your nicest cloth next to it! Add a tea light if you’re feeling extra-fancy. Boom!
GET SOMETHING MONOGRAMMED
A Sharpie goes a long way, baby.
OSTENTATIOUS KITCHEN KNIFE SET
We all know no one actually uses more than one knife, right? I mean, have you ever witnessed someone using one of the knives in a set that isn’t the most basic one? No, right? It’s a farce. They’re just decorative, DUH. The $199 seven-piece kitchen knife set from Gunter Wilhelm is a SCAM. 17-piece set from Bed, Bath, & Beyond for $99? SCAM. ATM withdrawal fees? SCAM. Fuckin’ procure a block of wood (cheapest deals: $8 at Home Depot; $0 at the building next door whose door-holder you stole) and use your old toothbrushes’ (start saving them now!) handles by painting them black and gluing them to said block of wood. Continue using your butter knife to cut everything as usual.
A BUILT-IN MICROWAVE
It’s been under your nose the whole time -- literally! Just stick that sucker into a goddamn window, fool! And assuming you have more than one window in your home, you’ll still have a place to put in your air conditioner by the time summer rolls around. And just like that, you’ve got yourself a fraction (approx. 1/64th) of a modern kitchen at no cost at all!
USING CLOTH NAPKINS INSTEAD OF THE NAPKINS YOU STEAL IN BULK FROM CHIPOTLE
Perhaps one of the easiest (and cheapest) tricks to maintaining charm and delicacy in your home. No need to spend money on napkins nor steal them from fast-food chains when you can just use the same cloth over and over and over again! Chic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PILLOWS PILLOWS PILLOWS
The more pillows you have, the fancier your house looks. It’s called goddamn “science” -- heard of it?! Just pepper your couch and bed with as many pillows as you can -- go crazy! Your living room should look like a ball-pit except instead of plastic balls it’s filled with fucking pillows! A good rule of thumb: just when you think you have enough pillows, add 30 more! Add until you feel like you’re a crash-test dummy in a Subaru whose airbags just deployed in a safety test. You’ll feel like Victorian nobility.
A GARGOYLE
Are you one of those freaks who stays friends with their ex?! Great. Spray-paint their face gray and pay them to stand still outside your door all day long.