12 Sex Tips I've Learned From My Goats

1. Smelliness is not necessarily a sign of poor potential in a mate. In fact, it can be an indication of a male's overall robustness and vitality.

2. One should choose a mate who is approximately one's own size so as to minimize difficulty giving birth if and when that times comes. This really seems like a no-brainer, but it was not something I had previously considered, which may be why two-thirds of my offspring were born via C-section.

3. If the object of sex is producing offspring, then it is perfectly fine for this activity to occur in a driveway. In this case, it is also fine to advertise the event as "driveway breeding."

4. Extended conjugal visits that necessitate room and board -- i.e., marriage -- are more costly than driveway breeding -- i.e., dating. It just makes sense.

5. Though at first it might seem a bit unconventional, sometimes it's just practical to driveway date the same guy as your friends or even your sisters. However, mutual extended conjugal visits -- i.e., taking sister wives -- is just creepy.

6. You should always be on alert for signs that a prospective lover has the potential to cause you harm -- pawing at the ground, raised back hair, massive, spiraling horns, etc. Actually, I found a great photo on Craigslist of a huge, mean-as-hell-looking guy goat, and I wanted to use it here for illustration purposes, but I just couldn't bring myself to contact the farmer who posted it and say, "Hey, do you mind if I use that picture of your Kiko buck for an article I'm writing about sex tips I've learned from my goats?" So you will have to use your imagination here. Think Billy Goat Gruff times ten.

7. One should only date guys who have been wormed, who are current on their vaccinations, and who test negative for communicable diseases. Unless they are super hot, and then you can skip the first two criteria.

8. Sometimes girls prefer girls, and guys prefer guys. This is true throughout the animal kingdom. This is no big deal, so no one needs to picket or boycott or drag anyone to church against his/her will.

9. Occasionally, when extenuating circumstances such as testicular alteration prevent the male from being able to consummate the relationship, would-be lovers settle for a sort of love dance -- traipsing around each other, giving gentle lovebutts with the heads, etc. This is exceedingly sweet and lovely.

10. If you think you might be expecting, you should write down the date when conception allegedly occurred because this will make it infinitely less likely that you will end up giving birth alone in a dense patch of weeds with no one to bring you raisin treats or to assist you with cutting your newborn's umbilical cord.

11. Sometimes, even under the most ideal circumstances -- right size, right time, right driveway -- your lover will reject you. It happens, and it is not a reflection of the lover or the lovee but rather something intangible that neither goats nor people really understand.

12. When it's over, it's over. No need to linger in a relationship that was only meant to be a fling. No need to explain that it's you and not him. No need to pledge your everlasting friendship or hint that one day you might reconsider. As soon as you know you're really done, just shimmy between the fence post and the gate and skedaddle on out of there. You will be glad you did.