12 Steps of Crazy When Running a Spring Marathon


1) Gimme that bib! I trained through the Polar Vortex for this! I ran in a Snuggie and rubber pants through 10 inches of dirty city snow with a mask on that made me look like the love child of a serial killer and Lindsey Vonn. I deserve the glory, and I am going to dominate this race! I bet I can break four. No, I am breaking four! Take that, Oprah.

2) I'm running a marathon! Look at me! And I'm not last. I'm actually kind of in the middle. Wait, did someone just push me? Did you just whip your throwaway shirt in my face. you poster child for gymorexia? I'm in head-to-toe orange neon! I'm a traffic cone with IT band problems. Stop crowding me!

3) Is that girl dressed as Elsa from freaking Frozen? Is she singing? And is that a sombrero? Wait, should I have a gimmick? Should I be that girl who takes selfies with hot guys? Or should I be running this in a wedding dress? Should I get married?! No, that's crazy, right? I can't get married. Though it would be a really romantic story!

4) So what happens if I pee down my leg? It will look like sweat, right? I bet no one will notice. I'll do it at a water stop. I'll just pour four cups on my head, splash around and then unleash the Gatorade beast.

5) What does a heart attack feel like? Because I'm sure I'm having one. There's numbness involved isn't there? Look at me hit my face. Did you see that? I didn't feel a thing! That's a sign, right? Should I alert a paramedic? Or maybe just sit right here on the sidewalk and order a pizza?

6) Is that a bagel on the ground? I wonder how long it's been there! I'm just going to pick it up and delicately put it in my sports bra for later. What if I hit a wall? I'll need a carb.

7) Oh my god. Why do these annoying energetic children want me to high five them? Do they know where my hand has been? You do not want to touch me, kid. This paw is made of 80 percent snot, 20 percent backwash and 500 percent regret right now. If you touch me, it would basically be like fist bumping a sinus infection.

8) How the F did Oprah do this?

9) Who made that stupid "Blisters are in this season" marathon sign? I would rip that crappy poster board to shreds, but I only have enough energy left to throw rehydration salts toward my face. You want to see blisters? I barely have a pinkie toe on my left foot! It's like a small orange Tic Tac wearing a strange hat. I hate your sign, and I hate that you get to stand still!

10) Who invented Gu anyway? It's disgusting! I want real food. This stuff has the exact consistency of... oh, don't make me say it. I swear as soon as this marathon is over, I am eating EVERYTHING. First I'll have a foot-long sandwich that I consume in three bites. Then a pizza, then nachos, then a cronut. Does this backwater town even have cronuts?

11) Did those perky college students who don't know what it's like to be covered in pee and defeat just tell me that I'm almost done? I am not almost done! Six miles to the finish is not done! I still might die! My right leg could just shrivel up and roll into a ditch. I think I've developed a bacterial infection. My ear feels weird. Is it still attached? Wait, should I eat this bagel? Was it wet when I found it? Do you think that's dirt or a poppy seed? Oh, whatever. I'm eating it.

12) I see the finish line! I can actually see it! Have you ever seen anything more beautiful? Seriously, screw Machu Picchu and Everest and the pyramids and those weird stone heads. This is the most beautiful site in the world! They're calling my name! Did you hear that! I'm famous! And about to be an Olympian. Shut up, shut up, I know the difference. Just let me have my moment! What was that? Do I want to run this next year? Obvs.