I booked a one-way ticket to New York City a few months after graduating from college. I was a wide-eyed 21-year-old, armed with an English degree, two huge suitcases, and vague plans to stay on the couch at a friend’s apartment until I got a job.
I wasn’t planning to stay for six years. I wasn’t really planning for my future at all. I was only focused on the present: getting a job at a magazine, finding an apartment, and having fun. A few weeks later, I’d checked off all of the above, working at a major media company and starting a life in this chaotic place I’ve come to call home.
Suddenly, six years have passed. Three great jobs and three tiny apartments later, my time in New York has come to an end. For now, I’m heading back South for a new job, a less expensive lifestyle, much warmer weather.
It’s sad, scary, and exciting, all at the same time. Sure, the city drove me crazy sometimes. There were days I walked home sobbing on the street; mornings I could hardly get out of bed; and too many nights when I made stupid mistakes and bad decisions.
But overall, I feel an immense amount of gratitude toward this city for helping me grow into who I am today at age 28. It’s become part of my identity. And it’s been 100-percent worth all the frustration. If one thing’s for sure about living in New York City, it’s that it’s not easy. However, I believe that if you can last there long enough so it feels like home, so you can look around and marvel at how far you’ve come, then the city will pay you back for all it put you through — and more.
My experience in New York changed me for the better, and I know it will inform the way I work and live for the rest of my life. And for that I’m forever thankful. Below, I’ve tried to put into words a few lessons I’ve learned from the big city.
1. It’s a who-you-know world.
When I first moved to New York, I emailed tons of people in my industry (through connections that were tenuous at best, like my college’s alumni network or friends of friends) asking to meet for a quick coffee or drink. Most said yes, and every meeting paid off. In fact, one friend-of-a-friend later ended up hiring me — twice.
I’ve also learned that networking doesn’t end with your first job. I still ask to meet with writers I admire or people who work for interesting brands. And when people ask you to grab coffee? Say yes, when you can. You never know where your cousin’s sorority sister may end up some day.
2. You can find value in every job, no matter how monotonous.
My first “job” involved unpacking and re-packing boxes upon boxes of housewares and food products so the editors of O Magazine could decide which made the cut for “Oprah’s Favorite Things.” I also picked up orders from Starbucks and wrapped thousands of presents for a holiday giveaway. Obviously I wasn’t putting my English degree to great use; nor did I take away many marketable skills from that ultra-glamorous gig. But I did meet awesome people whom I still keep in touch with. No matter where you are or what you’re doing, there’s always an opportunity to learn.
3. Treat your colleagues nicely.
Because — shocker! — they’re people too. Bosses included. It’s only natural to become close with your coworkers — you’re sitting next to each other every day, complaining about office politics, going on coffee runs. But if you do it right, you can come away with lifelong friends. I’ve been lucky enough to do so. Regardless, I think it’s always worth building relationships with coworkers that go deeper than surface level. Smile and say good morning. (I know, I’m working on that one too.) Take up slack at work, even if you weren’t asked. Maybe even go out and get drunk together at happy hour sometime. Whatever you do, don’t burn bridges. It’s a big city, but a small world.
4. Trust your first instincts.
Whether it’s about an apartment, a job, or a person, I’ve learned my initial impression is usually spot-on. I’ve signed leases, taken job offers, and accepted (or rejected) dates based on my intuition. When you know, you know. True, I’ll never know for sure what the other option would have brought into my life, but I’ve learned you just have to let go. In New York especially, there will always be a feeling something “better” is out there, which can be paralyzing if you let it get to you. That’s why you have to trust your gut.
5. Show interest in others.
This is one of the primary principals of Dale Carnegie’s legendary book, How to Win Friends & Influence People, but it’s also something my mother drilled into me when I was young: Ask people about themselves! I’ve relied on this approach on job interviews, dates, or whenever I meet anyone new.
People love to talk about themselves, and it will endear you to them. They may not even know a damn thing about you, but they’ll love you! (Promise! It’s been proven by countless one-sided first dates.) Just be curious and open-minded, and the person across from you will make your job easy.
6. Learn to stand on your own two feet.
At one job, I watched two of my bosses get fired. At another, I left right before a huge round of layoffs. I’ve seen friends get evicted with two weeks’ notice. And my own trust in people has been broken again and again.
It may sound cynical, but living in New York taught me you can’t necessarily expect anyone — a boss, a friend, a building superintendent — to be there for you when you’re fired, dumped, or locked out of your apartment. No matter how amazing people are, sometimes they’re just looking out for number 1. So look out for yourself too. By getting through some tough stuff on my own, both in my work and personal life, I know I’ve become a stronger person.
7. Don’t take it personally.
In dating, when someone doesn’t ever text or call back again with no explanation whatsoever, it’s called “ghosting.” Go on enough dates in New York, and it’s guaranteed to happen. I’ve also experienced “ghosting,” work-wise. I can’t count the number of job interviews I’ve been on — second and third rounds too — without ever hearing another word.
This was a tough lesson for me to learn, but it’s one of the most important: It’s not personal. That guy I never heard from again? He wasn’t right for me. Ditto for the job.
Being “rejected” doesn’t mean you’re unworthy, or that you did something wrong. The right person, the right role, the right opportunity will come along. Just remember: Nothing ever comes easy in New York — you just have to try not to take it personally.
8. Making small talk with strangers isn’t that hard.
I admit I’m not the most outgoing person, but I’ve realized what a huge difference it makes to simply ask someone how they’re doing. (Though some New Yorkers will be shocked a stranger is speaking to them!) And it actually cheers you up too if you’re having a bad day.
Be friendly to your dry cleaners, your gym greeter, your barista. Smile, if nothing else. Talk to your super — get to know him. Strike up a conversation with the person behind you in the endless line at Sweetgreen. Oh, and one of the coolest things about New York is that you never know who you may meet. You just have to say hello.
9. There’s other ways to spend your weekends than boozing and brunching.
My first couple years in the city, I spent weekends staying out late and sleeping until noon. It was like college, continued. Sure, dancing in clubs and drinking in bars can be a lot of fun. But losing control — and feeling like sh*t the next day — isn’t.
New York’s social scene is very alcohol-centric, so it’s tempting to drink often and a lot. While it took me a little while to realize it, there are better ways to spend your weekends — so many that I don’t even need to list them. And one day I suddenly understood that getting up at 9 a.m. on Sunday mornings feels way better than going out until 2 a.m. on Saturday night.
10. Giving back rocks.
One of the few things I regret is not getting involved earlier with an amazing organization called New York Cares. (If you live in New York, sign up now. It’s super easy.)
I’ve worked on a few projects — at a girls’ club, a homeless shelter, an old folks’ home. Each experience was incredibly rewarding, and the good vibes were endless. Everyone I met volunteering was so kind and grateful. I heard a lot of “God bless you” and “Thank you for your help.” Working with those less fortunate can be awkward and uncomfortable at first, but soon you get into a groove with it, and it’s actually really fun. And when you walk away — back to your cushy, air-conditioned life — you realize (1) how good you really have it and (2) those people you see on the streets aren’t scary at all. In fact, they’re pretty nice.
11. Life isn’t linear, and that’s OK.
Growing up, I was totally type-A. I followed the rules (mostly), I did my homework, I aced my classes, I landed a good job. But after a few months in New York, I started to realize there are no guidelines explaining what you should do next — or even if what you’re doing right now is the right thing.
Now, I’ve learned to accept that life doesn’t follow a pre-determined plan. It’s not a set series of “steps” to be taken, or rungs to climb on a corporate ladder. But somehow I trust it’ll all make sense in the end. And I kind of like it that way. It wouldn’t be quite as much fun to know exactly what I’ll be doing in 10 years.
12. People enter — and leave — your life for a reason.
This was probably the hardest lesson for me to realize, and something I still struggle with. From friends to boyfriends, a lot of people have drifted in and out of my life these past six years. I’ve had to understand that it’s OK to let old, stale friendships go. That not everything is meant to last. That it’s OK to end a relationship with someone you thought you’d be with forever. That people change — and you change too.
I’ve learned it’s so much worse to obsess over what went wrong and chase the ghosts of relationships past, trying desperately to get them back. I’ve learned every relationship teaches you — and the other person — something important about life. I know it’s difficult, but if you step back and think about it, you’ll realize that every relationship — no matter how brief — taught you a lesson that somehow changed you for the better.