By Jamie Loftus
This article originally appeared on Playboy.com.
It's like the Beckhams always say as they climax in unison, "Sex rules and I understand it!" While I cannot account for the undoubtedly poetic and beautiful thoughts men have while doing what we were technically put on earth to do, here are some thoughts that I, an Experienced Sex Person™ have had during sex, or as I like to call it, "Sure, I guess."
1. "Why is it so dark / light / candle-lit / strobe lit?"
One of my favorite parts of sex is considering the amount of light that is in the room and how I will self-centeredly interpret this as a direct reflection on me as a Sex Person. How does one interpret light levels? What if a fog machine is introduced into the mix? Okay now I want a fog machine.
2. "Hahaha what do I do with my hands?"
As in group photos, it's hard to know what to do with your cute little opposable meat hooks. They get fidgety, or you can let them hang out on either side of you head doing this weird surrendering "okay, fine, we're having sex" thing, or you can let the other person link their meat hooks in yours. Or you can do what I do, which is accidentally hold someone in a vice-like handshake until neither of us climax.
3. "I appreciate your selflessness but you have been going down on me for an entire episode of Master Chef Jr."
Sometimes you need to know when to say when, particularly when I've been unresponsive for twenty minutes and am saying things like, "You know what, I would have sex with Gordon Ramsay" or "But only if he was wearing that cool French hat the whole time."
4. "Time is a mere construct that will one day consume us all."
Many women lay serious emphasis on how long a man can last in bed, but when it becomes clear that pillow talk about professional wrestling and depression medication is imminent, I like to ruminate on the fragility of time.
If we're considering the time that the universe has existed, the time between me coming over to your place after performing standup comedy in what is essentially a parking lot and the Ming dynasty is miniscule, making the time that we're actually having sex infinitesimally smaller, invisible to the eye, ultimately meaningless.
What is two minutes versus twelve, in the grand scheme of things? Besides a massive disappointment that I will regale in detail to my coven of lady-friends across the country three minutes after I leave your home? Drops in a barrel, my friend.
I should watch Cosmos.
5. "Where is the cranberry juice and how long do I need to wait before I can drink it?"
My favorite part of sex is thinking about what I'm going to do once it's over. People are scary and full of germs and if someone gives me, a delicate flower, a UTI, I will have to kill myself. Thusly: Where's the cranberry juice at? Can I mix it into an alcoholic beverage to be cooler about it?
By this time, I am consumed with thoughts of fruit juice and will not climax.
6. "PLEASE DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME WHILE YOU ARE GOING DOWN ON ME DURING THE JUDGING PORTIONS OF MASTER CHEF JR."
THERE ARE CHILDREN IN THE ROOM.
7. "What arrangement of vowels is the most arousing?"
Entering coitus (that can't be a correct way to say it) with a fellow being often includes an unspoken contract to make a noise every once in awhile, usually vowels, though a clicking of the mouth and a series of hard consonants might do it for some couples. But what vowels are the most arousing? Here is a list of some that I have tried, usually after counting twenty seconds in my head so as not to seem too noisy:
"Eeeeiiii": sounds like you are seeing a ghost. Fun for October!
"Oooooo": can be good, but can also sound like a mom finding handsoap on sale.
"Uuuuuo": depends on how husky your voice is during execution. If you err too high, it gets firetruck-y.
"Iiiiiiiiiiiiiii": sounds like you are about to begin a sentence. Go for it! Iiiiiiiiii am having a good time thank you!"
8. "Do I Uber Pool home?"
So you've already decided that you're not going to spend the night -- think of an excuse later. Do you take the fiscally responsible route and Uber Pool home with a pair of teenagers who just got off their shift at Baskin Robbins or do you treat yourself to a post-coital fuck chariot (regular Uber) being driven by an actor that would just love for you to check out his IMDB page? The choice is yours.
Nothing like some light body part inventory to keep the mood going. Butt roll call. Where are they? Are they there? Ok good. I will think about touching one, but probably won't.
10. "My parents are texting me and I kind of want to answer?"
Do you like that, babe?
11. "Do I fake an orgasm or subject this poor soul to the reality that life is not fair?"
There is the kind option, and there is the option that is a little lazy but I will tell myself is holding a mirror to society.
12. "Hahahahaha oh no that is not my name, abort abort abort!"
I do not care who Kristen is but I am not her and you have been ejected from me like a trap door that opens in the floor except the trap door is my vagina and the floor is your penis, a big fan of Kristen's.
Jamie is a comedian and writer whose baby teeth have been bronzed and loaded into a gun for when the moment is right. You can find her some of the time, most days at @hamburgerphone or jamieloftusisinnocent.com.
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