So you think you can dance?
By Christopher Post, SELF
I am allergic to alcohol. Well, more like severely intolerant, but the effect is the same: I break out in hives, my throat starts to close, and breathing becomes an issue -- so, pretty much allergic.
Due to my condition I have on countless occasions been the only sober person in the entire, bar, house, street, boat, truck bed, swimming pool, etc. My unique position has afforded me a rare glimpse into the behavioral patterns of the plastered, plowed, tipsy, smashed, buzzed, blottoed, and otherwise inebriated. Here are 15 things I have learned by being the only sober person around.
1. Drunk people are loud.
Apparently, drinking is like sitting on the TV remote's volume up button, except drunk people are the TV and I can't find the remote. One friend not only starts to shout after a few, but he also won't stop talking and cursing. Normally I wouldn't mind--I mean, my conversations are littered with expletives--but when it's two in the morning, and I'm sober and tired, it wears thin quick.
2. They're also weirdly insecure.
Which, frankly, is a surprise. Take a person who's pleasing to the eye, intelligent, put together, and when sober, brazenly competent, and confident--but after a few whisky sours, that person turns into a paranoid mess of self-doubt.
3. Drunk people be like: IDGAF.
I know because I heard you say it. Several times.
4. And drunk people...kind of dicks tbh.
One time, after an afternoon of brewery hopping for a bachelor party, someone suggested a club (like one of those oontz oontz clubs). We went. Ted, our most generous, kind-hearted, warmest friend bought bottle service for the group. We got escorted to a VIP section. For some inexplicable reason, Ted took offense to the guys seated next to us and started to huck ice at them in what he thought was a very subtle manner. It wasn't subtle. We got kicked out. Generous, kind-hearted, warm Ted is kind of a dick when he's deep down in a bottle of Grey Goose.
5. After a couple of cocktails, drunks get real.
I call this one the reverse Ted. Someone can be a bit standoffish, but manage to be prickly, critical, and self-aggrandizing when sober. However, after a few drinks that aloof know-it-all stops posturing, gets real, and reveals things that not only make her critical, prickly, self-aggrandizing behavior seem like an appropriate response to life's crucible of pain, she comes off as kind of awesome. Like a poet, or Johnny Depp.
6. And what's with all the hugs?
After a few drinks, all my best friend wants to do is give hugs and cuddle--doesn't much matter who. Once he locks onto you (we are still trying to figure out what triggers him), he will quickly and relentlessly violate anyone's definition of personal space.
7. Drunk people become experts--and want you to know it.
One of my college friends used to get drunk and aggressively challenge someone to start naming states so that he could name their respective capitals. He would scream the answers and taunt everyone in the room. To this day, we have no idea why he was so mad. No one seriously challenged him, because no one seriously cared.
8. You never know when an overserved person will trap you in conversation.
After a night of drinking, one friend gleefully conversed with a woman across the bar about the virtues of soup--for an hour.
9. Drunk people love to share.
Some drunks somehow manage to find the only sober person in the room, engage them in conversation, and reveal all their kinks, which actually aren't kinky at all.
10. Where'd all that cash come from?
Remember Ted? Ted is still wearing his clothes from high school, never talks about money, drives an old car, and still has an iPhone 4, but drops $2,400 on bottle service without breaking a sweat. Holy shit Ted!
11. Guess what? This drunk hates [insert person here].
Yes, my drunk friend here hates [insert person here]. I know because there's always some drunk friend that says it any time she's had a couple of margaritas. However, I am the only person that ever remembers she said it.
12. And have you heard? That drunk one loves [insert person here].
Yes, my drunk friend here loves [insert person here]. It's obvious. However, I am the only person sober enough to see it.
13. Ugh, drunks love to get all Dr. Phil on their relationship issues.
This one is breaks my heart. Friends let all of their pent up, hidden relationship problems bubble to the surface after a night of drinking, and despondently recount the end of a union everyone thought was rock solid to the guy that is actually in a state of mind to absorb just what it is they're saying.
14. Drunks make people feel awkward.
This only happens when my friends are drinking: A dude watches his wife get frisky with other guys on the dance floor only to lean over and say, "My wife is hot, huh?" Super awkward.
15. Drunk people are all secretly Beyoncé's backup dancers.
Like that guy from that probably stolen Dane Cook sketch, drunk people just "gotta dance." A couple beers and everyone is oblivious to their surroundings. They are in a zone. They are the essence of dance. And I am unable to unsee it.
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