The Internet is really concerned about your relationship.
Specifically, Good Housekeeping writer Asher Fogle is very worried about what might happen if your undeserving husband or boyfriend should see you put on Spanx, or GOD FORBID his innocent ears should hear you yell. Her July article, 15 Things You Should Never Do in Front of Your Significant Other, is recirculating this week.
Among the horrors on her list are "eat a Chipotle burrito" and "be a mess." Because seriously, messy women of the world, you need to get your shit together, cross your legs like a lady, get back in the kitchen and make a sandwich. (But like, a very small sandwich because you shouldn't look like a horse when you chew. Again: Stay away from the Chipotle.)
A quick Google search shows that Fogle is not alone in her misguided attempt to teach straight women the right way to act in order to be worthy of a man's love. There are dozens of similar articles:
Bonus points for originality, guys!
This, my friends, is not one of those articles. This is an article that grants you permission to act however you freakin' please in the presence of the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally. As Mother Teresa** famously said, "If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
Without further ado, here are 15 things to always do in front of your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/booty-call-who-you-may-never-see-again:
1. Eat burritos. Or ice cream, or bagels, or kale (ew).
2. Brush your teeth. Or your hair.
3. Basically, keep yourself alive and generally taken care of.
4. Be a mess. Life is messy, and you're in this together.
5. Yell. At the asshole driver who cut you off, at the TV during the next GOP debate when your right to control your own body is inevitably challenged. Your voice deserves as much weight as anyone else's, regardless of the decibel it's at, and if he disagrees then he's a waste of time.
6.Watch trashy TV. And listen to terrible (amazing) music.
7. Read listicles that tell you how to be and act. And laugh at them.
8. Read listicles that are totally great! Like this one! And share it with your friends!
9. Laugh. At funny jokes, jokes only you two understand, at life.
10. Cry. At funny jokes, jokes only you two understand, at life.
11. Floss your teeth. It's always the right time for hygiene.
12. Talk about your wants and needs. Whether that's a dog, a burrito, or a promise you'll be there for each other in good times and in bad.
13. Talk about your dreams. Literally. There's nothing more annoying than hearing what someone dreamed about last night -- you need someone who can put up with listening to that shit.
14. Talk about your future. And how many burritos you'll be eating together in 10 years from now.
15. Be yourself. That's by far the corniest thing I've ever written on the Internet, but seriously: Don't listen to anyone (or any article) that tells you to hide part of you in order to be loved.
And one thing not to do (fine, I agree with Fogle here):
Put on Spanx. Not in front of your partner, not ever. No human deserves that torture.
**Not a Mother Teresa quote.
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