So you've defied your mom's seriously low expectations and landed a real 9-to-5 office job. Once the initial joy of making it rain on your unemployed friends wears off, you may realize corporate life is seriously soul-sucking.
Here are 15 ways to easily sabotage your new gig:
1. After A Stressful Orientation, Seduce A Dreamy Co-Worker.
And wake up to one big HR nightmare...
2. Start An Office Crusade On The Morning Of Your First Day.
Every office needs an underdog to spearhead trivial battles against the corporate big-wigs. Pick a popular pet cause, like the new office snack menu. (Transfats KILL, people!) Once you've won your battle for Kind Bars and unsalted kale chips, move on to bigger initiatives, like making the annual Christmas Party Festivus-themed or instituting weekly office Pilates classes.
3. Get Too Drunk At Happy Hour.
The company brought out the free drinks, so it's up to you to bring out the party. Down some margarita liquid courage, and show those corporate sharks how to have a good time!
4. Develop The Perfect Imitation Of Your Boss
It only takes two weeks for you to hone a Robin Williams-perfect impression of your boss, but it only takes one more week for you to be caught mid-performance.
5. Brazenly Nab Food Meant For Execs.
Rule of thumb when it comes to gourmet office treats: Eat caviar first, ask questions later.
6. Carelessly 'Reply All' On A Company-Wide Email.
Nothing says “Check Me Out!” like a snarky "reply all" to an office-wide email re: the annual company picnic. Be smart, and keep your puns about the hoedown theme to yourself.
7. Make Sure You Take On Your Office Nemesis Right As Your Boss Is Walking In.
Strategically plan your most childish antics for a moment when your boss will be there to appreciate it.
8. Fake Confidence About Absolutely EVERYTHING.
Brag constantly about your glory days as debate team captain. Pretend to be proficient in all office tasks, even if you’re utterly unqualified. After all, Excel spreadsheets are just common sense, right? The real world's a fake-it-till-you-make-it kinda place.
9. Learn to Point Fingers.
You may not be perfect, but you’re a perfect pathological liar. Milk this classically white-collared talent by blaming all your mistakes on the ideal office scapegoat. Of course, once that trick gets old you can always just:
10. Hide From Your Mistakes.
You messed up, and there’s no making it right. That’s your cue to digitally (and if possible, physically) vanish from sight. A deep-wood cabin or cave hideout is optimal. At minimum, flee the office, throw your phone into a nearby body of water, and steer clear of crowds. Remember: avoiding your problem will definitely make it go away.
11. Take Your First Casual Friday To The Utter Extreme.
Casual Friday’s a chance to let your proverbial freak flag fly. Show your employer that you’re SO much more than just another suit-and-tie clone. Embrace your wild side.
12. Make Yourself At Home. Like, Really, Really At Home.
Think of your busted, rent-controlled apartment as your vacation home and your office desk as your new main mailing address. Until you've moved your toothbrush, Snuggie, musty cologne and Warren Buffett shrine into your cubicle, you're just going to look like another flaky 20-something.
13. Tweet Your Your Heart Out.
Tweet yourself back to unemployment by spilling classified company intel. Post Facebook status updates about how pervy your boss is, 'cause, like, who has time for a diary anymore?
14. Take The Company’s Credit Card For A Hot Date.
Yo, anybody deluded enough to entrust you with the company card deserves what's coming. If you really want to go out with a bang, bring the company card to the club, and enjoy some corporate-sponsored bottle service. Will your “friends” still be around once you're unemployed? Who knows.
15. If All Else Fails, Cry.
So, the time has come to appeal to your boss’ more… sentimental side. When confronted with your mistakes, cry uncontrollably. After all, you’re the victim here. We recommend eye drops for maximum drama.
Will these tactics make the 9-to-5 grind way more fun? Yeah. Will they certainly get you fired? Sure. But hey, you always pictured yourself as a freelancer anyway, right?