It is a curious thing to tell the person I am dating on any given week that I write about sex. This opens the door for all kinds of assumptions, but most of my work is concerned with sexual ethics and moral construction. Even saying this, my dates surely hear me saying things that sound incongruent. Talking to others in the sex field, almost every conversation ends with a sometimes frustrated, sometimes blissful sigh and an agreement that there are many ways to talk about sex.
Finding myself once again in one of those conversations, I started to write down some of those "many ways," making a few notes with them.
- Biological: Sexuality activity seen in terms of mating behavior and physiological response. Functionality is of primary concern with considerable attention given to genetics, chemical balances, etc.
These lenses are not comprehensive, but are certainly a strong start to understanding what is meant when we discuss sex. When friends or colleagues ask me my thoughts on the topic, I find that it is helpful to locate which lens they are using first. To try and talk about the physicality of sex with someone when they are instead discussing it abstractly makes for a strange conversation indeed! This is, however, what happens so frequently when we discuss sex and sexuality -- we find that we are coming from entirely different perspectives and feeling a measure of unsettlement.
As with anything of interest, our attention will shift over time. The physical lens of high school sex-ed class (or teenage masturbatory exploration) leads into a personal awareness and later a relational understanding. Bawdy humor at a dinner party will be misunderstood, leading us to explain no, no, I was just joking! from which we will become more sensitive to personal experience. Knowing that our thoughts and attentions will change over time, indeed that we are often using multiple lenses -- such as when we discussing the interaction of biological, psychological and physical response -- can help us understand where we are coming from ourselves, and articulate what we really mean with one another. Indeed, as much as we talk about sex, it is still a confusing topic. Every measure of understanding between one another could very well make for better relationships and a more stimulating sexual experience.