16 Times Amy Poehler Hilariously Summed Up Parenting

"Sleep at this point is just a concept..."
Amy Poehler has two sons.
Gary Gershoff via Getty Images
Amy Poehler has two sons.

Amy Poehler is one of the funniest moms around.

The actress and comedian has two sons, Archie and Abel, with her ex-husband Will Arnett.

In honor of her birthday on Sep. 16, here are 16 hilarious and honest quotes about parenting from Amy Poehler.

On sleep:

“Now that I have kids, I’m up at 5:30AM no matter what. Sleep at this point is just a concept, something I’m looking forward to investigating in the future.”

On her best parenting tips:

“Always remember your kid’s name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don’t let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers... for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces.”

“When you are pregnant you can get away with a lot of shit. Women really are at their most dangerous during this time. Your hormones are telling you that you are strong and sexy, everyone is scared of you, and you have a built-in sidekick who might come out at any minute.”

On watching your kids grow up:

“It’s a wonderful day when your child gets old enough to be bribed. It’s a whole new tool in your arsenal.”

On being a twerking mom:

“When you’re a twerking mother, balance is really important because you don’t want to go too low and blow out your butt and bust your knee.”

“The sleep deprivation after children is so real. I liken it to what it must feel like to walk on the moon and cry the whole time because you had heard that the moon was supposed to be great but in truth it totally sucks.”

On baby fluids:

“There’s a lot of peeing.”

“Robots. They sing lullabies and drive the kids to soccer. It’s just amazing what robots can do.”

“I might be a little old school. I’m not very indulgent. I think children are given a lot of leeway and a lot of license to feel a lot of feelings and say what they want. That doesn’t really happen in my home so much ... Everybody, I’m the boss.”

On her sons:

“I watch their little fat feet and their shiny cheeks as they jump into the backseat of the car. These boys, they are delicious. I swear, if I could eat my children, I would.”

“Good for her! Not for me. That is the motto women should constantly repeat over and over again.”

On “mom brain”:

“Sometimes I forget where I’m driving them to. I do just stop in the middle of road and go, ‘Where are we going? How are we in this car? Who am I dropping off? and Where are we going?’ That happens a lot. It’s a lot of forgetful stuff that every mother has to deal with.”

On raising two little kids:

“Sometimes you need to straight up yell at them.”

On needing support:

“Every mother needs a wife who takes care of her and helps her become a better mother. The women who have helped me have stood in my kitchen and shared their lives.”

On women’s “unspoken pact”:

“There is an unspoken pact that women are supposed to follow. I am supposed to act like I constantly feel guilty about being away from my kids. (I don’t. I love my job.) Mothers who stay at home are supposed to pretend they are bored and wish they were doing more corporate things. (They don’t. They love their job.)”

“I love my boys so much I fear my heart will explode. I wonder if this love will crack open my chest and split me in half. It is scary, this love.”

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