I have three children under 8 years old, and every time we travel for the holiday season they ruin my van in one way or another. When I look in the rearview mirror and see them cramming fries into my seats, I like to think about the fact that someday my kids are going to have their own cars, and it's going to be an awesome opportunity for revenge. Here are a few things I'd love to do in my children's first new rides so that they will understand how tolerant I was of their backseat shenanigans.
1. Crap my pants while in the McDonald's drive-through.
2. Shove Silly Putty between the seats.
3. Hide a container of milk beneath the front seat on a sunny day.
4. Write "fart" on the backseat.
5. Argue with the driver over whether or not he needs to use the blinker when pulling into his own driveway.
6. Unbuckle and fart on the driver while stopped at a red light.
7. Make it rain granola.
8. Chew up a gummy bear, decide I don't like it, and insist on spitting it into the hand of the driver.
9. Climb inside the car with dog poop on my shoes.
10. Scream because I don't want to wear my seat belt.
11. Take my pants off while on a drive to Walmart.
12. Shove French fries into all reachable crevices.
13. Throw my shoe at a passenger.
14. Repeatedly touch the person sitting next to me.
15. Place a booger on my tongue and show it to everyone in the car.
16. Leave a half-eaten lunch under the front seat for an entire summer.
17. Invent a lame talent on the fly and insist that the driver watch me do it while we are on the freeway.
Clint Edwards is the author of the humorous book This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things (Parenting. Marriage. Madness) and No Idea What I'm Doing: A Daddy Blog. He lives in Oregon. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.
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