Somewhere, Tiger Woods is holed up as one wondering where it all went wrong. Sponsors are dropping him, late night comedy shows are wiping their golf spikes all over his good name, and one fan-the-flames Daily News columnist is even calling for Tiger Woods to be suspended by the PGA for ostensibly personal private bedroom shenanigans.
For us lovers of the great game Mark Twain called a "good walk spoiled," it isn't Tiger's cheating that breaks our hearts. In fact, we quietly applaud his steely determination in leaving all other sports-related philanderers in his wake. (Apologies to Wilt Chamberlain, of course). It's the way he went about it.
Quite simply, the greatest golfer in history is terrible at sexting.
We will make it happen
I will wear you out soon
Figured you would say that. Big black guys.
send me something very naughty
YAWN.
C'mon, Tiger! There are scores of 15-year-old-boys across this nation who pattern their every move after your prowess. And even those kids are all, like, whatevs. Old balls.
There is an time-tested sports aphorism that you dance with the girl who brought you here, Tiger. And that seductive mistress is golf. Stick to what you know. If your sexts had been golf-themed, then we all would have had a good laugh and gone back to drinking the Tigerade that we assume is made from your holy sweat.
Here then, are the next 18 sexts Tiger Woods should send so we can return to hero-worshipping a bajillionaire who hits a little ball with a metal stick.
(Ed note: The texts have nothing to do with the number of holes on a golf course. It's the number of Tiger girls we're estimating will have come out of by Hanukkah's fortnight.)
1.) It won't be a dogleg left for long, sweetheart.
2.) Tonight you're getting the full Arnold Palmer, it's half-brown, half-yellow.
3.) You can't spell "Eldrick" without "LR Dick."
4.) I was Sports Illustrated's "Swordsman of the Year." Twice.
5.) There are still cooches in the United States that I am not allowed play in because of the color of my skin.
6.) You got any Cablinasian in ya'? Want some?
7.) Ohh baby, don't you worry. I'll hit it fat.
8.) I got a friend who wants to hook up with you. Meet Fluff the Magic Dragon.
9.) Big Bertha ain't got nothin' on me!
10.) Tiger always plays from the tips, sugar pop.
11.) You bring the ice chips, I'm bringing the wormburner.
12.) Hell yeah, I'll rake your kitty box.
13.) Grass on the greens? I'm teein' it up!
14.) Time to pull the flagstick.
15.) Good at it!?! I'm Grrrrrrreeeeaaaaatttttt!!!
16.) Ever been chili-dipped?
17.) Can I play through...your ass?
18.) I'M GETTIN' IN THE HOLE!