Dear Oprah,
I understand with your hectic schedule publishing, producing, talk show hosting, etc. it's hard to find time to hear every single person's confession. I even get that you made an exception for Lance. So instead of a face-to-face, I thought I could just email you this week's transgressions.
1) Had brief but troubling doubt about global warming.
2) Used hoodie to cover up cell phone use without hands-free device.
3) Took left on red.
4) Skipped conditioner even though I have been known to possess "fly-away" hair.
5) Sugar "cheat day" morphed into entire week.
6) Once again failed to "back up" hard drive.
7) Faked leg injury so I wouldn't have to give up seat to old ladies or pregnant women on Metro.
8) Didn't bother to stoop down and pick up coins in hallway at home.
9) Kept phone on during Zero Dark Thirty to check NFL Playoff scores
10) Secretly rooted for corporate restaurant over guy with dirty food truck.
11) Mixed cans with plastic bottles in recycling bin.
12) Told clerk I had CVS card though I didn't.
13) Could not shake feeling of general resentment towards British actors landing speaking roles as "Americans."
14) Listened to friend's illegally downloaded MP3 of new Yo La Tengo album.
15) Took someone else's latte at busy coffee shop before mine was ready.
16) Agnostic reaction to debt ceiling.
17) Believed 43-year-old next-door neighbor looked ridiculous in his "Raven's Purple" Ray Lewis jersey.
18) Fantasized about life as divorcée after wife reminded me I "was not perfect."
Of course, these aren't all my sins, just the ones sitting on the top of my conscience. Will send more later if you request. Thanks, Oprah. It's good to get things off my chest and I hope my candidness does not cost me a single sponsorship.
Best, Joe