19 Reasons My Crush Didn't Text Me Back

Why hasn't my crush texted me back? I assume...

He fell.

His arm got stuck.

He found out my greatest passion is eating until I am in physical pain.

He got trapped in a revolving door.

He had to shove his phone up his nose to stop a nose bleed :(

He is busy liking my funny (but pretty) Instagrams and/or smart yet playful Facebook statuses in which I do a funny joke but also promote my live comedy shows!!!!!!!!! (This is my plight.)

He is allergic to reading.

He is busy learning about winged eyeliner so he can compliment me in a thoughtful way.

He is busy mailing me a package stock full of just as many poems as I have Twitter followers because he is crazy like that ❤

He got too famous and they turned him into a wax statue so he can't really move his fingers at all, which honestly... is a bummer.

He accidentally cloned himself and no longer knows which version of him I am pursuing.

He is scared to put himself out there having recently discovered his ex-girlfriend has taken up aerial silks.

He is tired.

He overheard me say "Bye, ladypants!!!" to another real live being and was like... brb.

He saw the really long hair that comes out of the mole on the right side of my face that I always forget to shave because honestly who has the time and like the patriarchy, etc.

He found out I don't wash my hands every time I go to the bathroom lol almost nvr do xo.

His phone autocorrected his life to death and he died in real life.

He is dead.

There is no texting in the afterlife because ghosts can't text because they are too busy being in the scary movies!!!!!!!!!goodnite