The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets of the Week newsletter here.
if anyone asks at this party, i’m in the bathroom. my bathroom. I left
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) December 6, 2018
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
— Ashnog ⚪️ (@adult_mom) December 6, 2018
If there isn’t a Mother’s Day Card that says, “Thank you for your cervix,” I don’t know what any of us are doing.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) December 4, 2018
remember when you were little and your aunt's xmas list was like "thick socks and a bag of nice coffee" and you were like, what a strange list wonder what her life is like maybe it's sad and then you got older and you realized she knew exactly how to live
— rachel syme (@rachsyme) December 6, 2018
Just said “stop being weird” out loud to myself but I’m not gonna
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) December 2, 2018
In the future everyone will be cancelled for fifteen minutes.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) December 7, 2018
My preferred amount of hot sauce is “enough that I regret it a little bit but not enough to let it stop me”
— Ella Cerón (@ellaceron) December 5, 2018
I have not been asked to host the oscars yet so at least they aren’t THAT desperate
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) December 7, 2018
My body: can I have wate-
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) December 5, 2018
Me: ICED LATTE COMIN UP
Had two drinks on an empty stomach. Take my text messages away
— roxane gay (@rgay) December 5, 2018
Holidays are great because websites produce all these articles like “gifts your best friend will love” and “affordable gifts for your mom this Christmas” and I get to see all this shit that I’m going to end up buying for myself!
— Lili Reinhart (@lilireinhart) December 6, 2018
It Finally Happened: This Email Found Me Doing Well!
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) December 2, 2018
toddler: *throwing a violent tantrum*
— kelly (@kelllicopter) December 5, 2018
me: pic.twitter.com/XafsJTFOax
Found out the show I'm going to tonight doesn't start until TEN P.M. and my entire spirit wilted out of my body
— Gabriella Paiella (@GMPaiella) December 7, 2018
Being good at bubble letters used to be a marketable skill
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) December 5, 2018
everyone please keep me in your thoughts, i’m about to enter the first date montage portion of my rom com
— anna ho ho horges (@annabroges) December 4, 2018
My therapist: have you ever been to therapy before?
— Kirsten King (@KirstenKing_) December 7, 2018
Me, in extreme Gwyneth Paltrow voice: you have this job because I’ve been to therapy before.
Beyoncé married the best rapper alive and turned him into her own personal hype man. Iconic.
— Penny (@DanaeLovesYou) December 3, 2018
when the waiter comes to your table to clear the plates but you’re still working on it pic.twitter.com/3tV3T9yoBB
— kim christmas (@KimmyMonte) December 6, 2018
My dog chewed the squeaker out of a toy and is carrying it around the house like the heart of a slain enemy.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) December 2, 2018
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