20 Predictions for the Year 2065

You ever find it weird how we always wake up in the future? Well, I suppose it's the present. Or I guess now is. Wait, no, now is.

But be it last week's nostalgia about Back to the Future Part II, the stock market, or even just wondering what life will be like for your kids, we all often think about what lies in the future. How many times have we all been asked in a job interview: "How do you see yourself in five years?" That's an easy answer: we'll see ourselves in some kind of futuristic mirror, probably. And it's those futuristic mirrors I often ponder.

And I sometimes lament that we don't live in the future the movies promised, but then I command my Droid to instantly tell me what the rest of the world thinks about the question, "Where's the future they predicted?" right before I trip over my robotic vacuum and shatter my paper-thin TV. Sometimes I take for granted how much better our world is today as I'm quickly flying across the world in a flying machine while simultaneously complaining to my friend via video phone that my subscription-based instant-streaming movie and TV show site isn't working on my tablet computer, so instead I ironically "thank" our black president, and then just talk about how lame SkyMall was, and no wonder it went out of business.

And a little more than 51 years ago on Aug. 16, 1964, science fiction author Issac Asimov wrote a piece for The New York Times about what he predicted the 2014 World's Fair would look like. Some things he came close on (like world population estimates and) while other things he completely missed (like more streamlined transportation options and the Kardashians).

Got me thinking, I wonder what Western society will be like 50 years from today (I just assume the Middle East will remain unchanged). It's hard to say. Even 15 years ago when I was hoping 2015 would be filled with hoverboards and flying cars, I never expected that it will really just be me typing in my username and password 50 times a day into a little electronic box.

Either way, I decided to compile 20 predictions of what we can all expect in the Year 2065.

Technology

  • People will land on Mars and everyone will come together in awe, revel in the splendor of this momentous event--and then completely forget about it two weeks later.

  • Uber will have forced all taxicab services into bankruptcy, and will now demand all of its drivers paint their cars yellow with the "Uber" logo on the side.
  • All appliances will force you to sign into Facebook first before using them, including EKGs.
  • Tinder will have evolved into a service where you merely browse through pictures and ratings of the genitals of those in your general area. OkCupid will now have an "Add Your Sex Tape" section to its profiles.
  • Hipsters will be wearing nonfunctioning Google glasses over their Google contact lenses to look vintage.
  • Rush hour traffic on Elon Musk's now ubiquitous Hyperloops will only allow for 500 mph speeds, which will be extremely frustrating. Elon Musk will have stopped innovating years earlier in lieu of making frequent talk show appearances.
  • Entertainment

    • As a way to completely reduce risk, Hollywood will 100% only make sequels and remakes, and all new books will just be based on those films. The top-selling book of 2065 will be the novelization of the film that was based on the hit musical--based on the sequel film--Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit.

  • Justin Bieber will die in 2065. He'll have been so irrelevant and forgotten for 45 years leading up to his death that everyone will say, "Shit, I had no idea he was even still alive."
  • North West will have become best-selling artist of all time, thanks to the many incarnations of her No. 1 hit, "You Have No Choice But to Listen to This."
  • The History Channel will finally shut the fuck up about World War II, but only because they'll have plenty of World War III programming.
  • Culture

    • Everyone will keep concealed grenades on their person at all times, and throw them into crowds when they feel threatened, killing scores of innocent bystanders, but that too will be technically protected under the Second Amendment, so there will be nothing anyone will be able to do to stop it.

  • All female waify models will have been replaced, not by normal-sized women, but morbidly obese ones, as so no body type will ever be offended. And instead of worrying about anorexia in the industry, the focus will be on diabetes.
  • Barbie will now be shaped like a bowling ball in order to keep up with what "real women" look like in 2065. This single act will eradicate any young girl from having body issues ever again.
  • Feminists will have gotten basketball outlawed because the "ball" penetrating the "hoop" shows how patriarchal entitlement adds too much to rape culture. Deranged football players will continue to run rampant.
  • The Catholic Church will continue their trend of only picking cool popes. Two popes from now will be a gay rapper.
  • Older gay people will lament about their starter-marriages, and realize marriage was never all that it was cracked up to be.
  • The United States will elect its first transgender president, but they will still have to pretend to be extremely Christian in order to get votes from their grenade-carrying populous.
  • McDonald's will only sell gluten-free vegan food, which will be popularly lampooned in a documentary about how the old-fashioned American fare has gone away in favor of pretentious new trends.
  • The new pornography will be simple privacy. What will really get people off will be crawling into chambers that block out electronic signals, so they can jerk off in darkness and silence. Ya know, like married guys do today.
  • Lastly, sex will have become much raunchier. A group of 20-something females will sit around having drinks at a restaurant with their eyebrows all shaved off because Rihanna's 13-year-old pop star granddaughter did it. One of the girls will say to the group, "So you know I've been on a few dates with Churt (or whatever stupid names guys will have then). When's the appropriate amount of dates before I, uh, ya know... let him... shit on my face?" All the other girls will calmly look at each other speculatively, and then one will say, "I don't know. I mean it depends. Has he even injected his semen into your eyeballs yet?" Another girl will say: "Just make sure it's special."
  • Oh, and in the year 2065, some asshole will write a so-called "funny" blog for The AOL Huffington Post, predicting what the year 2115 will be like.