Before I was a mom, I was convinced I'd be a cool one. I suppose I had big aspirations to not sweat the small stuff, wear cute outfits and be fun pretty much all of the time. But what I didn't realize was that some of the small stuff is actually bigger than I thought when it comes to molding tiny humans. And some of the seemingly fun stuff is not all that fun. At this point in my parental journey, I don't even know what it means to be a "cool mom," and I'd certainly never attempt to try and be one. It seems far too... problematic. Though my priorities as a parent are constantly evolving as our family does, being laid-back or "cool" will likely never be near the top of my list.
Here are 20 reasons (to name a few) why I'm so not a cool mom:
1. I don't do different dinners for picky eaters. You are eating what we are having or nothing at all. Really big breakfasts are always an option.
2. I actually do care about "too much screen time," no matter how annoying my kid and the greater public thinks that phrase is.
3. To piggyback off of that, we don't do iPads or Kindles or handheld devices of any kind. Chill out, my kid is only 4. And also, I watched a little girl fall out of her chair while staring at one the other day. It's OK, she didn't even blink when she hit the ground.
4. I make my daughter brush her teeth every night (unless we are camping, or at a music festival... or I've had too much wine. In that case, my teeth probably don't get brushed, either).
5. The only appropriate place for Disney princesses is on underwear or pajamas. But really, only in hell.
6. Bedtime is bedtime is bedtime is bedtime. I am not a good parent after 7:30 p.m..
7. Gifts are for holidays, birthdays and special occasions, not every other Tuesday. If I said yes every time an old lady I barely know wanted to give my daughter something pink and sparkly, I'd literally be drowning in tacky, girly crap.
8. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: The cat is not a doll or a horse, so stop dressing her, riding her or poking her in the eye because "she likes it." I'm fairly certain she does not.
9. Band-Aids are for real boo-boos, not pretend ones. As much as my kid adores Band-Aids, it's ironic how we never, ever seem to have one when we actually need it.
10. Fruit snacks have no place here. They really do rot your teeth.
11. Likewise, fast food is not on the menu. Ever. Unless it's a milkshake on the way to the beach and you share it with me. Obviously.
12. If you can put on no less than 14 different outfits a day a warp speed without a problem, you can most definitely dress yourself for school. I will, however, gladly help with tricky buttons.
13. Boredom is the precursor to creativity. I ain't your full-time playmate, but I am growing you one.
14. My phone belongs to me.
15. When I say "I'm going out tonight," I almost always mean to the front porch.
16. Makeup for children of all ages is weird. If I don't feel the need for it as a strung-out 29-year-old, neither should they. Face-painting, on the other hand, is greatly encouraged.
17. I own far more exercise clothes than regular clothes.
18. Aside from the occasional bloody mary or margarita, hard liquor is part of my past life and I'm finally zen about it.
19. Kid's music is not real music, therefore it will not be played in the car. I promise, no one is missing out. We all know how it ends. "He finally got his bathing suit wet! YET."
20. I don't care if we are the only people in America without one. We still aren't getting an iPad. Or maybe I will. But you can't use it.